Lack of Jobs, NOT BANKS, to Blame for Blighted Foreclosed Homes, Florida Governor Rick Scott Says
Deceptive foreclosure headlines spread like wildfire in Utah

Just as has become prevalent in other states, the headlines describing the situation related to future foreclosures in Utah are deceptive… or perhaps misleading is a better word.
On April 12, 2012, Bloomberg/Businessweek ran the headline, “Utah March foreclosures down 31 percent from 2011,” leading one to believe that the crisis is soon to be behind the citizens of that state. And like all “good news,” it spread.
Based on the same date as the Bloomberg story, “Foreclosure rates drop in Utah’s large metros,” was the headline used by the Deseret News on April 25, 2012. And KSL.com, the online version of KSL-TV, found a way to make the story even more positive by using a three-month comparison, under the April 12th headline, “Utah foreclosure rate fall nearly 50 percent.”
I certainly understand the desire for good news on this topic. After all, it’s going on six years since the tsunami of foreclosures began to flood this country with repossessed homes, so at this point it’s understandable that we’d be ready to grasp at any positive port in the continuing storm. And it’s not that I take pleasure being a porcupine in Utah’s balloon factory. In fact, it is much more my nature to be branded an eternal optimist than anything else.
Optimism, however, is when someone looks at the facts of a situation and expects the best outcome possible. It’s not optimism to believe something that’s impossible will happen… that’s called “fantasy.” And, while I also understand that hope springs eternal, false hope only springs disappointment.
Compared to what?
In 2011, mortgage servicers slowed the pace of foreclosures by not proceeding with foreclosures for a variety of reasons, none of which relate to homeowners’ ability to make their mortgage payments. In some cases, servicers foreclosed less as a result of the “robo-signing” or document fraud scandal that started making headlines during the fall of 2010.
Confident that a settlement would ultimately be reached between the five largest servicers and the attorneys general from the fifty states who began investigating servicer practices as a result of document fraud coming to light, and knowing that such a settlement would include amnesty from prosecution for such acts by the states, they simply held off foreclosing until they could do so without the risk of a being sued by a given state.
In several states, recently passed legislation also caused servicers to put foreclosures on hold as they regrouped in order to comply with the new laws, and in some other states, foreclosures were delayed awaiting decisions by state courts. But, the point is, once these barriers were lifted, and the national mortgage settlement was finalized, foreclosures started rising all over the country almost immediately.
The result of the 2011 slowdown in foreclosures is making for some very deceptive headline comparisons, even while all credible forecasts are calling for record numbers of foreclosures across the board both this year and next.

Going up?
Beyond the Utah headline, the Bloomberg article also explains that according to RealtyTrac, the State of Utah’s foreclosure rate “jumped” by 74 percent between this past February and March, resulting in Utah’s foreclosure rate coming in seventh in the nation.
A 74 percent “jump” in foreclosures in a single month of this year would seem to me to be a much more important piece of news than any year over year comparison, although I would readily agree that it doesn’t lend itself to feelings of optimism and therefore would likely garner less readership than the happy headline comparing this year with last.
And, has something that has increased by 74 percent in a single month merely “jumped?” Because I would suggest that it “soared,” or even “rocketed.” I think when describing increases in excess of 20-30 percent, using “jumped” falls into the category of dramatic understatement.
I asked an editor at a major monthly business magazine why they seemed to run this sort of headline as opposed to… well, conveying the real truth of the matter to their readers, and his response was frankly unforgettable. He said…
“Well, we just had an editorial meeting on this topic and I think the consensus was that people don’t buy depressing magazines.”
Well, fair enough, I replied, thinking to myself… I guess the magazine would better be thought of as some sort of business comic book for grown-ups going forward.

Like I said, I don’t like being the bearer of bad news all the time, but in case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been told that prosperity is imminent at least annually ever since the flood of foreclosures began almost six years ago, and all its done is prevent us from putting more pressure on our respective state legislatures to do more to mitigate the damage the crisis is causing.
So, I’m sorry if I spoiled your day… but until we come to accept that there will be no economic recovery until we do more to prevent foreclosures, we’re doomed to continue our race to the bottom.
Foreclosures can only breed foreclosures, I don’t care which state your in, and they don’t just magically stop all by themselves one day. Or maybe the better way to describe that thought is metaphorically. So, try this on for size:
Just like a forest fire that’s been allowed to burn out of control, it won’t stop until it runs out of forest.
Mandelman out.
Mandelman Matters State Specific Content: Utah Foreclosure Resources and Articles
State of Utah Foreclosure Resource Links
Utah Foreclosure Defense Attorney, Walter Keane on a Mandelman Matters Podcast
Virginia Supreme Court | PHH Mortgage Corp Failed to Hold Required Face-to-Face Meeting Before Beginning Foreclosure Process
- Knights of Columbus File Amended Complaint | “It is apparent that the defendant knowingly failed in its obligation to receive, process, maintain, and hold all or part of the mortgage files”
- Hawaiian Attorney Non-Judicial Foreclosure – Due Process Violation Question to the US Supreme Court
- Victory | Bank of America-ReconTrust to Face State Court Judicial Process in Illegal Homeowner Foreclosures (VIDEO)
Ability-to-Repay Rule for Mortgages Nears CFPB Approval
- Attn Captain Obvious | Fed Proposes Rule that Would Require Creditors to Determine a Consumer’s Ability to Repay a Mortgage BEFORE Making the Loan
- Mortgage Bankers Association Letter to the Federal Reserve RE “Skin in the Game” and the Ability of Borrowers to Repay
- Mass Court May Rule on Retroactivity of some Foreclosures Tied to ‘Naked Mortgages’
White Powder in Envelopes Mailed to Wells Fargo in NYC – Idiots happy it’s not toxic

Well, here we go. In our race to the bottom… our attempt to see how far we can push it before we break something… our desire to see chaos American style… ABC News reported yesterday that at least seven locations in Manhattan, “primarily Wells Fargo Banks,” according to the story, received envelopes in the mail containing “suspicious white powder,” police officials said.
Well, thank heaven it wasn’t the non-suspicious form of white powder… you know, the kind we’re all used to getting in our mail every day.
The message that arrived in the envelopes read as follows:
“This is a reminder that you are not in control. Just in case you needed a little incentive to stop working we have a little surprise for you. Think fast you have seconds.”
AP reported that the powder in the envelopes caused evacuations at bank branches, but no injuries, as if that last part mattered in the least. Idiots appear to be happy that the powder was found to be cornstarch… as opposed to Anthrax, I suppose.
Gee, now that’s certainly a relief. Whew, I guess we dodged a bullet there, didn’t we?

Manhattan police, about ready to round up the usual suspects and get a rope, initially suggested based on absolutely nothing that the envelopes could have been mailed by “militants from within the Occupy Wall Street movement.”
Luckily, a spokesperson for Occupy Wall Street denied any connection to the mailings… and that seemed to accomplish what exactly? I guess the NYPD said, “Oh, okay… sorry about accusing you guys of potentially mailing Anthrax to banks in Manhattan? Our bad.”
The police say they thought that Wells Fargo was the target of the mailings because it’s based in San Francisco, and what they described as “about half of a key dozen Occupy Wall Street members have backgrounds in Oakland, San Francisco and Berkeley… and SIMILAR INCIDENTS OCCURRED IN CALIFORNIA EARLIER THIS WEEK, police sources said.”
“A key dozen Occupy Wall Street members?” So, now there are probably a few hundred who are convinced that phrase was referring to them… perfect. And what exactly was similar about the incidents that occurred in California that no one seems to have heard anything about until now? Was it the cornstarch… the mailings… the scary message inside? How similar were these events exactly and why were they mentioned before now?
Another theory I just made up is that Wells Fargo was targeted because it’s stage coach logo is reminiscent of the old West, when Native Americans were the victims of genocide, so the FBI is said to be investigating Indian casinos in several states.
What? My theory makes every bit as much sense as theirs does.
Others on the list of potential suspects include any number of the 8 million Americans whose lives have been destroyed by the foreclosure crisis, or any of the hundred million or so that are beyond pissed over bailing out banks with trillions while leaving the country’s working class to die on the proverbial vine.
Or the commies, it could always be the commies. And let’s not forget the Jews, al-Qaeda, ex-military wackos, or a prankish band of Ivy League college students, saddled by student loans and out to have some fun. Or foreigners, don’t forget foreigners.
In other words, police had no idea whatsoever who sent the mailings.
Embarrassingly, ABC reported that the Manhattan mailings, “mainly appear to have reached low-level workers.” And New York police spokesman Deputy Commissioner Paul Browne incoherently blathered to ABC News:
“Apparently, the message was aimed at the mail room workers among the 99 percent.”
The police are saying that the mailings were intended for May Day delivery, but arrived a day early. One official, according to ABC News, inexplicably said…
”They underestimated the efficiency of the U.S. Postal Service.”
Ha! So, the joke’s really on them after all, right? Didn’t think the USPS could foil your plans with their efficient inner city delivery, now did you? Ha! So there.

I’m reporting, however, that regardless of who the mailings appear to have reached, senior executive seat cushions at Wells Fargo and other banks are all being replaced today after being soiled as the news of the mailings and their enclosed powdery substance spread through the executive ranks.
I’m also reporting that I have instructed my wife and daughter not to go inside the bank for any reason, and instead only use the ATM after hours. And I’m not kidding about that in the least.
No one should be the least bit surprised that this is happening, and it’s nothing to take lightly or brush off as nothing to be worried about… it’s scary as all hell because it’s a certainty, in my opinion, that it’s only a matter of time before people are killed in one way or the other as a result of what this country has allowed to happen to untold millions.
“This is a reminder that you are not in control. Just in case you needed a little incentive to stop working we have a little surprise for you. Think fast you have seconds.”
There’s a word for that sort of message, it’s “terrorism.” And it can strike without warning and claim the lives of thousands… and there’s no way to stop it, and no one who cares about being punished for it after the fact.
The Oklahoma City bombing, April 19, 1995, claimed 168 lives, including 19 children under the age of 6 years old. More than 680 were injured. The bomb destroyed or damaged 324 buildings in a 16-block radius, destroyed or burned 86 cars, and shattered glass in 258 buildings nearby.

Timothy McVeigh believed that the bombing had a positive impact on government policy. And what angered him then is nothing compared to the potential for rage that exists today.
During the 1930s, after the attack and attempted lynching of a judge (who was signing eviction orders) by 200 Iowa farmers who stormed into Judge Bradley’s courtroom in April 1933, the Governor of Iowa placed the state under martial law.
In Minnesota, similar degrees of civil unrest and the threat of violence led Chief Justice Hughes to declare a moratorium on foreclosures.
Expressing frank understanding that the nation’s economic catastrophe threatened political stability, Hughes remarked, “the policy of protecting contracts against impairment presupposes the maintenance of a government by virtue of which contractual relations are worthwhile.”
Hughes found that the mortgage crisis in Minnesota justified the stay of “immediate and literal enforcement of contractual obligations” insofar as the emergency was real and no mere legislative subterfuge; the statute was designed for the benefit of society as a whole rather than particular individuals; and the legislation was temporary and no broader than necessary to accomplish its purpose. Hughes also denied that the statute violated due process or equal protection.
A foreclosure moratorium is not what we need… it is a last resort.
What we need is a fairer and more compassionate process through which we can get through the foreclosure crisis. The way in which foreclosures have been handled to-date has been wrong to the point of being barbaric, and we will continue to deny and ignore this truth at our peril.
Mandelman out.
DOER UPDATE: Patricia Martin v. Wells Fargo – Court Grants Injunction, Injustice on Trial Ahead

What you’re about to read about should never be allowed to happen in this country, and what is particularly troubling is that Wells Fargo Bank could have very easily prevented it by simply communicating with its customer honestly or competently.
And the law firm employed by Wells Fargo to wrongfully foreclose on this 73 year-old widow’s home of 43 years, Anglin, Flewelling, Rasmussen, Campbell & Trytten, LLP of Pasadena, California, could have stopped this travesty of justice as well, but these lawyers can’t even be bothered to actually appear in the courtroom, choosing instead to phone in their odious nuggets of legal claptrap, entirely devoid of common sense, because that’s how they roll.
As it stands, and as a result of Wells Fargo’s handling of the matter, a 73 year-old woman is at risk of losing a home that she has owned for 43 years… and all because she fell behind on her mortgage by $104.27.
That’s right… we’re talking about a hundred bucks and change here. You want some offensive stupidity? Wells you’ve certainly come to the right fargo.
A Personal Note to Laurie Maggiano at Treasury… I just wanted you to know that I was sincere when I told you that I’m trying to suppress my aggressive tendencies and stop being so snarky all the time, but are you following this case at all? Because as long as the Obama Administration continues to ignore this sort of thing, you could be the Michelangelo of Home Preservation and it won’t matter because your ceiling’s being covered in a Navajo White semi-gloss with a stipple effect. I’m just saying…
Remember Patricia Martin’s foreclosure situation with Wells Fargo?
I wrote about it on February 20th of this year, and if you didn’t see it, I’d suggest that you continue reading what follows and then if you think it necessary, you can click DOER ALERT to read the original article.
Patricia Martin’s DOER ALERT, by the way, was the only one that did not succeed. Although Wells Fargo had responded to a DOER ALERT in the past, this time they completely ignored our pleas for the bank to do the right thing and stop her eviction.
She was not evicted, however, as her attorney, Mark Zanides (who happens to be a good friend of mine), drove a few hundred miles to appear in court on her behalf and successfully stopped the eviction.
And this past week, Mark won in court again, with the court granting the preliminary injunction… so at this point… Patricia Martin will be remaining in her home as the case proceeds to trial… a jury trial, by the way. (You can read Patricia’s declaration HERE.)
You can call me naïve, but I just can’t believe that even Wells Fargo, the bank that appears committed to being the worst the servicing industry has to offer, wants to do this.
Zanides estimates that the bank has spent a significant amount already on legal fees and now is certain to spend a whole lot more. Patricia Martin’s home is worth no more than $275,000. How can it be worth it to spend $50,000 or more to take her home, when she wasn’t even late… didn’t want a loan modification… and could have simply continued making her payments… as she has for the last 43 years?
How can anyone want this to happen?
Memo to Wells Fargo: If you’ll just have someone contact me to explain the reasoning behind this situation, I promise to explain it from your perspective and stop calling your bank disparaging names.
But, until then, and absent any information to the contrary, what am I or anyone else to think other than that you are the epitome of the worst sort of corporate citizen… the sort of bank that is not to be trusted… a bank that we should all warn our children about… a bank that should reasonably be despised for its behavior.

Here’s an in-a-nutshell type recap with quotes from the declarations of those involved:
Patricia Martin’s daughter, Nicole Ortega (who lives in the home with her husband and her mother) went into a Wells Fargo branch on September 27, 2010 and asked how much was owed to satisfy the August and September payments. She then paid the amount that Wells Fargo said she owed, $3238.30, which she thought represented a monthly payment of $1619.15.
She didn’t know it for several months, but the amount she was paying was $104.27 short of the required amount. In her own words, from her declaration…
“I had previously been told by Wells Fargo Bank’s agents that the bank does not take partial payments. The fact that the bank took these payments confirmed to me that I had made a full payment. Had I known that the full payment for September 15 was supposed to be $1723.41, I was ready willing and able to pay it. In no way would I ever jeopardize our family’s home to save $104.27, that is, the difference between the amount paid and what was apparently the amount owed.”
Yes, and we certainly believe you. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that every single human being with a fully developed adult brain on the planet believes you… okay, except maybe Larry Summers and Ed DeMarco… and the fact that you had to write a declaration stating this fact so that it could be used in court is absolutely emblematic of the insanity American homeowners continue to face today.
Roughly five years into the financial and resulting foreclosure crises, and this story, instead of shocking every ear who hears it, is starting to sound like meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
Wells Fargo’s employee, Michael Dolan, states in his declaration that he is an Operations Analyst in Wells Fargo’s Mortgage Lending Operations, located at 4101 Wiseman Blvd. in San Antonio, Texas.
Prior to his current position, he states he was a Vice President in the Portfolio Retention Department at Wachovia Mortgage, FSB, and prior to that he says he was Vice President of Loan Services at World Savings Bank, FSB. He also mentions that he started at World Savings in 1984, so he was at World and Wachovia for a combined 23 years. So, I’m going to go ahead and assume that he knows how to read a calendar and mail a letter.
Here’s what Patricia Martin’s daughter’s declaration says about a statement made in Mr. Dolan’s declaration…
“The Dolan declaration states that ‘on or about September 29, 2010, the Bank sent the borrower a letter informing her that the loan was due for September 15, 2010 loan payment, and that $1619.15 had not been applied to the loan because it was not enough to cover the balance due.’ (The letter is marked Exhibit Q.) I am aware that my mother did receive this letter dated September 29, 2010. However, we did not receive this letter until early June 2011, when it arrived in an envelope postmarked May 30, 2011. I have attached this letter and the envelope in which it came. I remember this letter specifically because it arrived so far after the letter itself was dated. I thought that was significant, so I saved the envelope in which it arrived.”
Now, you see Mr. Michael Dolan… that makes you a lying piece of itinerant trash, because not only did you lie in your declaration, but you also figured you could cover the lie and your worthless ass by sticking a backdated letter in the mail more than eight months later.
And why not?
I mean, what are the chances that anyone would have kept a certain blue dress around all that time without sending it to the cleaners, right Mikey?

If this were the first time that Wells Fargo was ever accused of such behavior, I’d have the tendency to say… maybe it was an error. If it were the second time… okay, what the heck. But since no one can even count how many similar things Wells has not only been accused of doing, but in fact has been proven to have done… well, there’s no benefit of the doubt due here. The mere suggestion is utterly laughable.
Patricia’s daughter continues in her declaration to state what anyone would have to agree is the obvious. (You can read the Plaintiff’s Evidentiary Objections to Dolan’s Declaration HERE.)
“I did not know the September payment whose amount had been given to me by the bank employee and which had been paid on September 27 had not been credited. Had I received Exhibit Q in early October, it would have explained what happened and I would have asked how I could pay the remaining balance of $104 or so and made arrangements to pay the late fees.”
Yes, that’s right because that’s what ANYONE would have done under the same circumstances. She continues…
“Had I received Exhibit Q, I would not have had to make all of the calls to the bank seeking clarification that I made later on in December when I learned the September payment had not been credited. Nor would I have needed to write the letter in December seeking explanation of why the September payment had not been credited.” (Her letter is marked “First Ortega Dec. Exhibit A.”)
And again… she is making complete sense. The question is why is any of this being questioned and who is the imbecile questioning it? She continues…
In early October, I received a letter dated October 5, 2010, stating that the September payment had not been made. (Marked “Dolan Exhibit R.”) The letter states that ‘if this payment has already been made, then please disregard this notice.’ Since I knew that I had made the September payment, I disregarded the notice, as the bank’s letter invited the borrower to do.”
Yep, that’s what I would have done as well.
Okay, look… this tale goes on and on and as it does, it gets worse and worse.
The homeowner received another letter late in October saying that the last two payments had not been received, and that the loan was now in default. Another letter arrived a few days later saying basically the same thing. Again, the homeowner assumed that the letters were wrong, as in their mind the September payment had definitely been made, so they did the next logical thing… they called Wells Fargo at the number provided on the letters.
The homeowner’s daughter told the bank that they were aware that they owed the October and November payments, explaining that her mother, Patricia Martin, had been hospitalized and there were other hardships involved… but that the September payment had been made.
They asked the bank if it would be okay to make the October and November payments on December 3, 2010… and Wells Fargo representative stated that by doing so, “you will be fine,” with the exception that the December payment would be due later that month.
The Wells agent then said that she would notate the account to that effect.

During that same call, the Wells Fargo representative uttered the words that would make a bad situation far worse, she suggested that the borrower should apply for a Map2 modification, and then transferred the call to a Ms. Leffert.
Patricia Martin’s daughter spoke with Ms. Leffert and gave her some of the information she requested. She didn’t have all of the information, however, and told Ms. Leffert that she would have to speak with her mother before going further. Subsequently, she called Ms. Leffert to provide the missing information, and in late November Ms. Leffert stated that “you qualify” and that “you’ll be ahead of the game since the late payments will be added to the modified loan.”
And then things got even worse. A letter dated November 18, 2010, but not received until the end of that month, now said that the note was delinquent and would need to be reinstated by paying $4829.96 by November 30th. Patricia’s daughter immediately contacted Wells Fargo to find out what was wrong with their system and records, as she had already made arrangements to pay October and November payments on December 3rd.
She spoke with a representative named Jason who told her that there were some unapplied funds in the amount of $1619.15 that it looked like something was happening with, also saying that it may be applied to October’s payment.
Jason was told that September’s payment had been made, and he said he couldn’t tell her why September was not credited, but he suggested that she wait and let the bank finish whatever they were doing and it would clear things up.
Patricia’s daughter then states in her declaration…
“Had I been told by the bank’s representative that we were required to make a payment of $4829.96 by November 30 or lose our home, we could and would have done so.”
And again, all I can say is… OF COURSE YOU WOULD HAVE. Your mother has lived in the home for 43 years… good Lord, when did our world lose its common sense and critical thinking skills?
So, of course, when she goes into branch on December 3rd to make her two delinquent payments as she had arranged that she would do… the bank won’t accept the payments, as they were due by November 30th.
Does everyone realize how many billions in delinquent and defaulted loans Wells Fargo has on its books… to say nothing of the untold billions in worthless garbage that exists off the bank’s balance sheet? You do, right?
And does everyone realize that the President of the United States, the U.S. Attorney General and the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development have all made it abundantly clear that unnecessary foreclosures are to be avoided as they are not in our national interests?
So, what possible difference does it make whether a homeowner is paying on November 30th or December 3rd? Wells Fargo… are you stupid, irrational and incompetent… or are you just plain evil and sadistic?
And don’t start blaming anything on “the investor,” Fannie Mae, or the mystery trust that thinks it holds this loan because this beauty of a loan is one of those fabulous pick-a-pay jobs made popular by World Savings, so it’s on you, Wells Fargo, all the way. And should I even ask who might be responsible for such a loan being sold to a 68 year-old widow?
I’ve never been a great speller, so maybe someone at the bank could help me out here… how many “Wells” are there in “predatory shithead?”
By January Wells Fargo says they won’t fix it, won’t accept payments, and months later when loan modification is denied, house goes to foreclosure sale and is taken back by the bank.
The modification, by the way, is denied months later because Wells Fargo says they won’t consider Patricia’s son-in-law’s income. He lives in the house with his wife… her daughter… ever since Patricia, whose husband passed on a few years ago, started having some serious medical problems. Oh, and he’s a police officer… a sergeant on the local police force… someone who protects and serves his community.
Writing this article, I had to wonder… on how many other occasions has Wells Fargo improperly credited amounts paid by borrowers? Luckily, I didn’t have to wonder for very long, as I remembered the article I wrote a little over a week ago about a case in Louisiana involving Wells Fargo and in front of Federal Bankruptcy Court Judge Elizabeth Magner. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend that you do.
In Judge Magner’s own words, after describing Wells Fargo’s behavior as being, “highly reprehensible,” she went on to say…
“Wells Fargo has taken advantage of borrowers who rely on it to accurately apply payments and calculate the amounts owed, but perhaps more disturbing is Wells Fargo’s refusal to voluntarily correct its errors. It prefers to rely on the ignorance of borrowers or their inability to fund a challenge to its demands, rather than voluntarily relinquish gains obtained through improper accounting methods.”
So, is what has happened to Patricia Martin yet another example of Wells Fargo’s systemic misapplication of funds in order to repossess homes?
I would imagine that Wells Fargo would answer “No,” to that question.
So, fine… then you’d have me believe what? That it’s a fluke? An aberration? Some sort of inexplicable, unfortunate deviation from the norm perhaps?
HORSE PUCKY.
For all of you legal eagle types… You can read Wells Fargo’s Opposition to the Preliminary Injunction HERE, Wells Fargo’s Appendix to Opposition to Preliminary Injunction HERE, and the Plaintiff’s Reply to Wells Fargo’s Objection to Preliminary Injunction HERE.
Mandelman out.
HEY DOERS… Looking for Something to DO?
Wells Fargo’s CEO, John Stumpf “earned” $19.8 million last year, according to the Wall Street Journal and documents filed with the SEC in March of this year.
If you’d like to congratulate him, you can try reaching him by email:
Or, by phone: (415) 396-7018 or (866) 878-5865
Or, if you want to have some fun, since I know this physical address is correct, why not grab an envelope, buy a stamp and reach out to him via regular mail. For extra smiles, consider throwing old keys in with your letter, or I’ve always enjoyed tossing a small handful of sunflower seeds in before sealing…
John G. Stumpf
Chief Executive Officer
Wells Fargo Bank
420 Montgomery St.
San Francisco, CA 94163
###
You’ll also be happy to hear that Wells has just launched its new business unit, Abbot Downing, which is dedicated to caring for the wealth of the super rich… its clients have more than $50 million in investable assets. Only recently launched, Abbot has already recruited about $33 billion in investable assets under management. So, very well done there. (And I heard that one of their clients holds the patent on the color “blue.”)
30 Minutes of Talking: Has Housing or Our GDP Hit Bottom?

MINUTES OF TALKING
(I understand that last week’s edition of 30 MINUTES OF TALKING had a few audio problems. I apologize for that, and they should be all fixed for this week’s show. I hope you’ll give it another try… it’s getting better all the time.)
Has the Housing Market Hit Bottom?
Or, was that our GDP that just sunk to nothing?
This week on 30 MINUTES OF TALKING I’m looking at the contradictions that are being thrown at us almost every day now… this past week it was the housing market that hit bottom, according to quite a few. But did it? The Case Schiller Index certainly doesn’t think so.
I’ll also be looking at the indications that tell us that we’re headed for another official recession, just like Spain, and the rest of Europe. GDP came in a little light, if you use their nonsense numbers… but in real life… our GDP was ZERO.
And I call homeowners all over the country to ask them to help our Fed Chief Ben Bernanke with his puzzling questions about unemployment and what to do about it. As it turns out, Ben is just not speaking our language.
And that’s not all… so, click play below and get ready to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth on 30 MINUTES OF TALKING FOR APRIL 28, 2012.
Mandelman out.
Statement of John Griffith Policy Analyst | “Turning the Tide: Preventing More Foreclosures and Holding Wrong-Doers Accountable”
Bill Black | Our System is So Flawed That Fraud is Mathematically Guaranteed (PODCAST)
Candidate for Congress Dan Reale: “Fraudulent Foreclosures Must Stop”
- Action Alert | The Bayless Family – How to Help: Occupy the FRAUDulent Enterprises and STOP on-going and future Eviction efforts
- “Stop the Slop” Legal Mess Over Foreclosures Deepening
- Federal Housing Finance Agency Office of Inspector General Semiannual Report to the Congress – Housing Regulator Failed to Stop Fannie, Freddie Mortgage Issues
Candidate for Congress Dan Reale: “Fraudulent Foreclosures Must Stop”
- Action Alert | The Bayless Family – How to Help: Occupy the FRAUDulent Enterprises and STOP on-going and future Eviction efforts
- “Stop the Slop” Legal Mess Over Foreclosures Deepening
- Federal Housing Finance Agency Office of Inspector General Semiannual Report to the Congress – Housing Regulator Failed to Stop Fannie, Freddie Mortgage Issues
AG Coakley Launches “HomeCorps” Program and Hotline to Aid Distressed Borrowers and Ease Foreclosure Crisis
HSBC | Soldier’s Foreclosure was Illegal, Federal Lawsuit Alleges
We know they’re not evil, because they’re simply not smart enough to be evil.
In Hollywood movies, we’ve been introduced to villains that have real game. In the Harry Potter films, for example, there’s “Voldermort… The Dark Lord… He Who Shoud Not Be Named.” In the movie, “Star Wars,” we were introduced to the infamous and intergalactic, “Darth Vader.” And few will ever forget “Dr. Hannibal Lecture,” telling Clarice that he was “having an old friend over for dinner,” in “The Silence of the Lambs.”
Most everyone, I would think, has at one time or another, seen a “James Bond” movie, maybe it was “Goldfinger,” a story with a villain whose elaborate plan to use nerve gas to rob Fort Knox and ultimately steal the world’s gold, was first released in 1964. Or perhaps it was, “Live and Let Die,” in which a villain attempts to hatch an ingenious scheme to addict the world’s population to heroin, after seizing control of the drug’s world-wide production and distribution.
In real life, we’ve never had to worry about such evil actually destroying our world, because throughout our collective history, we’ve never seen a villain show up with that kind of game.
Adolf Hitler was looking somewhat promising for a few years during the 1930s, but after the Battle of Stalingrad ended in a disaster for the German troops in the early part of 1943, he was little more than a screaming lunatic with bad hair and genocidal tendencies. We’ve had our share of “empires” that for a time, appeared capable of dominating our planet, but regardless of whether we’re talking Roman, Ottoman or British… they all ultimately fell like flan.
And, although I realize that at the moment, we’re very concerned about our TBTF financial institutions having the power to destroy our nation forever, it occurs to me that it’s probably not the case, even if it does seem like it at certain moments. As far as our corporate dynasties go, if history is any sort of guide, they’ve proven to have shorter lifespans that some MLB player careers.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all happy about how our government seems set on providing us with tangible evidence of its ineffectiveness on at least a monthly basis. But, it does remind me that it’s at least reasonably likely that the TBTF problem will be overwhelmed by the general incompetence of man, long before it destroys our world or way of life.
Like, it’s not at all inconceivable that five years from now we could be laughing at how we were so worried about Goldman Sachs… before the investment-bank-turned-bank-holding-company in 2008, quietly filed for bankruptcy in 2015. Remember Lloyd Blankfein, someone would say? And someone else would reply, “Was he the bald one?”
I can remember when the Vietnam War was never going to end… and then it did. I can recall a time when drugs were sure to be on the verge of destroying our country’s youth, and then they didn’t. Without an Equal Rights Amendment we would never survive as a great nation, or maybe we would. Our hostages would all die in Iran, unless they wouldn’t. And the crash of ’87, which soon morphed into the S&L crisis, was reported so severely at the time, that I never even questioned but that it would be my grandchildren that would be worrying about paying its astronomical bill… until that wasn’t the case anymore.

After that, the Internet was going to change absolutely everything… even replacing our old economy with a “new one,” or not. AOL bought Time Warner… for a year. And Enron was the corporate Titanic, that along with Tyco, HealthSouth, Adelphia, WorldCom, Arthur Andersen and a myriad of others, had led us to Sarbanes Oxley, a bill that was sure to signal the end of American business… until it didn’t.
Years ago, the Sears Catalog was a permanent institution in this country, and so was the airline, TWA… and bicycle maker, Schwinn… or camera-maker, Polaroid… and we bought albums, 8-tracks and CDs, but always at Tower Records. And yet they’re all gone today.
Remember when we might not survive Y2K, and when the president said he didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, and when Larry Craig said he had a wide stance, and when we knew there were weapons of mass destruction… even though we didn’t know for sure, but it didn’t matter because that’s not why we went into Iraq anyway, and besides al-Qaeda had cells around the world that would end our lives soon enough anyway?
Remember when Wall Street had investment banks on it, and Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac stood for fairness? When membership had its privileges, when the Catholic Church and Penn State were both safe places for boys to be, when you could press five to increase your credit limit and there were things called usury laws that made charging more than a certain amount of interest illegal?
I still remember when there was an impenetrable Iron curtain across Europe, and on its other side lived the people who wanted to kill us with their collective thinking. They’re gone now, replaced by a smaller, nuttier guy in a Members Only jacket that makes him much harder to fear.
I can remember when none of those things were thought of as fleeting… like the blips on an ever-changing landscape that time would flip, shake and erase like an Etch-a-Sketch whenever we turned our backs to enjoy a moment.

The Worst Economic Crisis Since the Great Depression…
We are now six years since the end of a real estate boom that was only around for some four years anyway, and we’re going on four years since Hank Paulson said that he needed $700 billion in unmarked small bills by morning or our gig would be up.
Since then, we’ve all watched as Secretary Geithner… his trusted ward, Lawrence of Summers, and the Professor sans MaryAnn, all ran about shoveling trillions around Wall Street, while engaging in crazy tea party inspired chatter about how, as far as U.S. homeowners were concerned, there was too much “moral hazard” involved to consider offering them any real help.
Obviously, their thinking was that by bailing out the deadbeats who borrowed the money for houses that they had now lost trillions on, collectively speaking, they would rush out and do the same thing again thinking they’d be bailed out again. And don’t laugh… that’s pretty much what they thought… and still think for that matter.
So, the announcement went out across the land in so many words. For America’s homeowners… the beatings would continue. And so they have.
The Rich Getting Richer…
About a week ago, a study showed that 93 percent of the gains since President Obama took office went to the top one percent.
By anyone’s standards, that statistic is alarming… no one can be in favor of that continuing, not even the top one percent. It’s not like it’s debatable to say that enormous income disparity between rich and poor is a problem in any society.
The question, I suppose, is whether all that’s occurred since 2007 has been part of some nefarious plot perpetrated by evil villains that might have starred in a James Bond movie, or whether the guys in charge have simply been wrong… you know, handled things badly.
Well, I think the picture is becoming ever clearer that what we have are over-confident leaders who think certain things based on what they’ve been taught and learned in the past… but they’re wrong. What they view as precedent isn’t applicable to the economic situation we’re facing today.
It’s not like the administration wouldn’t have preferred to have created more jobs and stopped more foreclosures, right?

To those in charge it’s a duck because it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and talks like a duck… but it isn’t a duck… it’s a goose, and a flightless one at that. In the parlance of business books, it’s a “black swan.”
The Geithner/Summers/Bernanke clan believed (and continue to delude themselves into believing) that by pumping trillions into the financial system and into the TBTF banks, two things would result:
- The banking system would stabilize.
- The economy would start to grow again, as measured by GDP.
The funny thing is… and by funny I mean inconceivably sad… that you could argue that neither outcome materialized, or you could say that the first objective was achieved, in an accounting-rules-don’t-matter sort of way. But, no one could argue that the second goal was reached in the least.
Basically, Geithner and Bernanke thought that lowering rates pumping liquidity into the financial system would stimulate growth because it has in the past. They sacrificed homeowners thinking that once the financial system was stable again, the rest of the economy would be pulled out by the health of the financial system.
So, here we are… the growth they counted on failed to materialize, as I’m sure they would phrase it, but of course what truly failed to materialize were their critical thinking skills because there was no chance that their plan was going to work in terms of creating real growth.
It’s simple really.
There are fewer of us working, so we’re producing less and therefore we’re earning less… and so we’re spending less. And that means we’re paying less in taxes to both state and federal coffers, which means the states are spending less, and lower state spending means reduced GDP… do you see the dynamic at work here?
Take a quick peek at what’s happening in Spain today and you’ll see clearly the fallacious nature of banker-think.
Unemployment in Spain is now 25 percent… among the country’s youth, it’s 50 percent, but the European banks to which Spain owes money are demanding that Spain reduce its deficit spending by 5.5 percent over the next two years. Now guess why.
They want Spain to do that so that the country will have enough money to make its payments to the bankers of course.
But, you might ask… if Spain reduces its GDP by 5.5 percent over the next two years, which is the same as reducing its spending by 5.5 percent, won’t that cause unemployment to rise even higher?
Well, of course it will… and very well done there indeed.
And if the country’s unemployment goes even higher, won’t that reduce the country’s GDP, as fewer people will be working, and won’t that also reduce the revenues that go into the country’s coffers?
Yes, that’s right again!
But, won’t fewer people working result in property values falling even further causing more people to go underwater and into foreclosure driven by fewer able or ready to buy homes?
Very good, right yet again. This is so exciting…
And if property values fall, and more people default, won’t that cause further harm to the Spanish banks that made the loans that are increasingly defaulting?
Yes, yes, yes… keep going…
Well, the more the Spanish banks lose as a result of property values falling, and while unemployment rises, the less credit the banks will provide, and won’t that also reduce GDP even further?
I think you’ve got it… now bring it all home for me…
… and won’t all of that combined actually reduce the amounts that Spain will have to make payments to the central and EU bankers who are the ones demanding the 5.5 percent reduction in government spending in the first place?
Thank you, Lord! Why yes, I would have to say that would be the case.
Do you see ANY OTHER OUTCOME that was POSSIBLE?
Please… take your time… the answer is NO, NO, NO.
So, why are the EU bankers doing this? Isn’t it stupid?
Yep. It’s stupid.
So, why are they doing it? Are they evil? Do they have a nefarious plan?
No, it’s just stupid. But the EU bankers are just like Geithner, Summers and Bernanke, they are forecasting Spain to have GDP growth this coming year because they are being bailed out.
But the bailout funds are only to repay the EU bankers that are lending them in the first place.
That’s correct.
So, how can Spain grow its GDP as bankers are forecasting they will?
We already covered this point… THEY CAN’T… and wont.
And we’re doing the same thing here at home, the only difference being we can print money… or rather the Federal Reserve can… and then it can lend it to us and charge us interest, albeit a small amount of interest… it’s still interest.
That printing and lending to the U.S. government machine is what gets called “quantitative easing,” or a “twist,” or whatever new not-in-the-Scrabble-dictionary type word they come up with next. It has a tendency to prop up the stock market, which is why the rich are getting richer as the rest of us die on the proverbial vine.
And just like the EU bankers, Geithner and Bernanke are forecasting GDP growth once again for the U.S. but once again none of us will feel it because we’re not rich and making trillions as the stock market remains artificially propped up by the Fed’s money creation and lending scheme.
The best part is that, all the while, foreclosures will accelerate and continue unabated… actually much faster than before, now that the banks have their settlement and to large degree can’t be prosecuted for their foreclosure related improprieties… not that such prosecutions were going on anyway.
The European bankers are no different than is the FHFA, which is led by Ed DeMarco, the guy stopping Fannie and Freddie from reducing principal balances of mortgages. He says he won’t do it because his job is to return Fannie and Freddie to profitability, and all that means is that in his forecasts… even if principal is not reduced… we’ll all still pay off the debts, or at least enough of us will that it’s not worth writing down the amounts owed.
Translation: He’s forecasting growth in future years, just as the European bankers are for Spain and elsewhere. He’s wrong, and so are they. He won’t share his assumptions used in his forecasts, but if he was forecasting that more and more will default if principals aren’t reduced, then he’d be concluding that they should be.
So, you might ask… what should we do?
Well, for one thing, I’d suggest yelling out: “Look out below! We’re coming down… and coming down fast,” in order to avoid hurting those below us on the economic ladder… you know, the poorer people.
It’s not that they can actually do anything to get out of the way, so they’ll still get crushed by our fall, but I still think it’s rude not to yell. “Look out below!”
But, that wasn’t my point…
What I wanted to say is that we shouldn’t despair. We should keep up and even intensify the fight because if you understood what’s going on, then one thing should be clear…
They’re not evil… they’re wrong. And we can know they’re not evil, because they’re simply not smart enough to be evil.
Mandelman out.
Thinking Out Loud… Über-Trendy Rich New Yorkers & Ethiopian Cuisine

Manhattan is where the trendy chic food trends begin, for the most part, right? It has always seemed that way to me anyway, although I think LA may be able to take most of the credit for strip mall sushi, and Mexican fare.
Every time I’m in NYC, it seems that someone always suggests dining at some new kind of restaurant that until that moment, I didn’t really know existed. It’s always good in some ways, but it’s never the kind of food of which anyone takes large bites, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out for spaghetti and meatballs after dinner and goodnight.
I was in the city on business some years ago, dining with the CEO of an international conglomerate type of company who had wanted to dine at what looked to be a Chinese restaurant, but was supposedly representative of some far out province near the Mongolian border where yak was a delicacy, or whatever.
I’ll never forget it because he ordered the unbelievably expensive Bird Nest Soup for the table… if memory serves it was about $600 for maybe eight of us… and I am not making this up, you can ask someone else or look it up online. As I was blowing on a spoonful wondering how I was going to get out of this gracefully… he leaned over to tell me what a delicacy it was because, he said in a hushed tone, it was made with “real bird spit.”
“WHAT?” Unexpectedly taken aback for a moment, I had inadvertently blurted it out much louder than I would have liked. Not really noticing my reaction in any detail, he only repeated himself.
“Oh,” I said. “Real bird s-p-i-t… got it…wow, that is amazing. I thought you said… “
Spoon in hand, he had returned to focus on the contents of the ornate blue and white lacquered soup bowl in front of him. “Never mind,” I mumbled almost to myself.
Real bird spit, while considerably more palatable than its misheard alternative, was still not doing much for me. I remembered that I once had pretty much gagged on a spoonful of egg-drop soup that my daughter ordered and insisted that I try. And I figured that if I didn’t like egg in my soup, it seemed unlikely that I would end having a taste for a soup made from the nest in which the egg could have been laid.

And besides… REAL bird spit? As opposed to what, perhaps? Was there a company manufacturing fake bird spit and passing it off in cans as being the real thing to chefs in Mongolia? That was only my first thought on the subject. My second thought was that, although I detested that stuff referred to as imitation crabmeat, it was quite possible that bird spit would prove to be one of the few things in the world that given the choice, I’d probably just as soon opt for the fake one.
I peered into my spoon’s contents noticing the soup’s undeniable spit-like texture, and then as I watched him slurp it down like it was Campbell’s Chicken Noodle, I pretended it was still a bit too hot and returned my spoon to the bowl. Recognizing that a diversion was going to be needed, I simply waited a minute before knocking my water glass over and in the flurry of apologies and confusion, fed my bird’s nest soup to the oriental carpet. “Mmmm…” I said a few minutes later. Delicious,” and thankfully no was the wiser.
But, it was far too close a call and I made a mental note to do more to avoid getting pinned down in such dicey dining situations. I had learned this lesson before too… people with the means to eat absolutely anything are often drawn to really primitive peasant food and you have to watch them carefully or you could end up having to make a run for the relative privacy of a restaurant’s back alley in order to heave beyond the purview of the other guests.
I was in Helsinki some years ago for a couple of weeks and in case you get the chance to visit Finland… my knee-jerk response would be to yell out… No, don’t do it!
For one thing it never gets dark there so you can have the front desk book your tee time at midnight. But trust me on this, golf is frustrating enough during the hours in which it’s normally played. No one needs to be teeing off straight into the wind on a narrow 200-yard Par 3 with water on both sides at 3:15 AM, especially right after some 6’6” chick with blond hair and unusually muscular forearms named Maijuska, just opened your seventh beer at the turn.
For another, never attempt to spend time in a country where they have street names that make use of the letter ‘N’ five times, three of which being consecutive. Just try finding “Uudenmaankatu Ullanlinna,” after a couple shots of vodka at the hotel bar. Actually, it’s not that hard… it’s just past the intersection of Hietassaarenkuja and Porvoonk and if you hit Teollisuuskatu, you’ve gone too far. If you rent a car, you’re all but certain to be killed in a rear end collision as you attempt to decipher enough of the data involved in the decision of turning one way or the other.
I was there at a conference of the World Health Organization, my father’s doing, not mine, and so we were attending these hoity dinners at which I can only assume the academics and government officials had simply eaten everything the world had to offer and so were being fed things that the rest of us would likely view as “experimental” before we’d identify with it as food we might want to eat.
I remember breakfast vividly, for the most part, it was always a herring buffet… all different kinds of herring prepared in every conceivable way, although some of which I’m certain I would never have been able to conceive. And if you’re thinking that the problem was that herring alone isn’t all that filling, don’t worry… that was not the problem, and it was all the herring you could eat.
With that as breakfast fare, it was barely a surprise to find out that these world-renowned intellectuals with means eat porridge for dinner, but we’re not talking about Cream of Wheat with brown sugar, in this porridge there was invariably either reindeer or blood sausage involved.

I’d offer to describe its taste, but for 10 straight days, I consumed only two foods and one drink: 1. Boxes of what appeared to be the Finnish equivalent of Lorna Doones. 2. Very large bowls of Beluga and Osetra caviar on toast points with a squeeze of lemon and chased by innumerable ice-cold shots of Finnish vodka.
After that, while traveling in the Baltic, First Class on a cruise ship headed for St. Petersburg, I quickly discovered that I was unable to come within six feet of a huge vat sitting right in the middle of the breakfast buffet table every morning. I was told that it contained oatmeal, but I knew they were lying because although I will readily concede that “oatmeal” can spoil… it doesn’t die. And there was no question in my mind that whatever was now inside that giant vat, it had not walked among living creatures for many years.
So, you’d think that I’d have learned my lesson after all these years, but the last time I was in Manhattan someone said, “Hey, let’s go have Ethiopian food,” and inexplicably, I replied saying, “Okay, sounds good.” I heard myself say it… wanted to take it back, but it was too late, my host was already into telling me how much I was sure to love it.
Ethiopian food? Really? To my ears, it sounded like “jumbo shrimp.” I thought food in Ethiopia was at least somewhat a rarity… maybe not compared with Chad or Somalia, but up against Tribeca or the East Village, for sure.
Twenty years ago the epicurean daredevils would have been touting “Sushi,” which today, I admittedly find delicious, but that doesn’t change the fact that a country’s cuisine made up of small pieces of raw fish could only develop in a country where you can’t afford a whole fish per person and you lack the electricity or gas to allow most people to own stoves. If you have the yen, you order up a filet at Morton’s way before you develop a diet based on bite size pieces of raw fish… and rice.
And it makes sense to me because Japan is a rock about the size of New Jersey in the middle of the ocean; only one-seventh of the rock is arable… and historically speaking, the land nearby is generally jam packed with marauding hordes of one kind or another. Much safer if you learn to feed the people on your rock without anyone having to leave it, no question about it. So, rice and small pieces of raw fish rules the day, and I completely understand.
Another example is found in the tortillas with which so many Americans have become enamored. I mean, they’re fine for holding whatever you put inside them, as long as it’s beans, rice, and some kind of meat, and the whole thing will taste great given sufficient amounts of salsa, guacamole and sour cream, which is the same sort of principle under which some consider snails to be a delicacy, just replace the condiments with garlic and butter. Actually, I’ve often thought that I might be able to eat most of an economy car, given copious amounts of garlic and butter.
But tortillas couldn’t have been everything their inventors were striving for, right? They had to be the result of people not being able to afford whatever they needed to make bread. They weren’t anyone’s first choice. Like they got sick of eating so much bread that they switched to tortillas? I seriously doubt that. Every time I hear someone ask, “Flour or corn?” I can’t help but think to myself, “Paper or plastic?” I mean, who cares?
How about this for an answer: Whichever promises to most significantly reduce the probability of food inside ending up in my lap. With that in mind, you make the call.
Just like matzo, for the Jews in the audience, which was also no one’s recipe, but rather is the sort of outcome possible when a bunch of slaves, on their way to a 40-year trek in the Sinai Desert, unexpectedly have to leave town in a hurry. Why we have to relive the outcome of planning so poorly thousands of years after the event is beyond me. I mean, come on already… let my people go.
And don’t start with that “tradition” nonsense. I don’t need a Tevya in my life unless he’s being played by Zero Mostel, capisce?

You don’t see any Jews volunteering to wander around for extended periods in the desert for tradition’s sake, do you? Not a chance. The closest thing to that you’ll ever see from today’s Jews occurs when Walter Annenberg and his wife spend a week or two at their place in Rancho Mirage.
No one WANTS to eat matzo, which is why even Jews only consider doing it over the course of maybe a week a year. I somehow manage to choke down half a sheet sheet of the stuff annually, but only if I can find the Egg & Onion flavor and slather it in butter and salt, which is basically the same sort of scenario under which I would be willing to eat shirt cardboard.
And, by the way, eating matzo without some sort of liquid within reach kills more people each year than any other food except improperly prepared blow fish.
Matzo was simply the best the Jews could do in a pinch. If you don’t have a pharaoh on your tail who’s bent on exterminating your entire clan, and there isn’t a guy named Moses running from hut to hut yelling, “Let’s go, for Christ’s sake,” then you let the bread rise and leave the following day.

So anyway, that’s what we did… we went out for Ethiopian food, which I soon learned is not all that far from what I expected would be the cuisine of a poor African nation that, for most of my life, was at war with neighboring Eritrea. And, why a country plagued by drought would attempt to develop an economy based almost exclusively on agriculture is one of those head scratchers for smarter minds than mine.
Didn’t they learn anything from Las Vegas? I know they know about Vegas because half the cab drivers in Vegas are either from Ethiopia or Eritrea, so you’d think that by now someone would have sent a postcard home with a few tips, at the very least.
Or maybe it’s that, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” thing at work. (Okay, I apologize for that. It was entirely uncalled for and just plain wrong. You have my word that it won’t happen again.)
So, after being seated at a table for four, the six of us perused the menu in complete silence until it was awkward. And just my luck, our waiter, who was a dead-ringer for Ziggy Marley, approached my side of the table first, saying…
“Are you ready to order, Mon?”
“Yes. I think I’ll have three small bowls of paste and a basket of sandy sponges.”
“Very good, sir. What color pastes would you like?”
“Hmm… let’s stay with Earth-tones… oh, and nothing purple,” the last thought having been inspired at the last moment as a table nearby received its order as I was finishing mine.
“Great, and to drink?”
“Let’s see… which do you recommend… the Desert Brush Tea or the Clay-aide? Never mind, I think I’ll have the tea.” The waiter had already turned his attention to the next order but when I mumbled under my breath, “I drank too much clay last night,” he turned back to me. “I’m sorry, did you want to change something?”
“No, I’m fine,” I replied. “Absolutely perfect.” Great, I thought. Now he’d probably spit in my tea before bringing it to the table. I started imagining that I was Larry David in an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”
Our host loved his meal. You could tell that he was literally enthralled by the overly cultural experience… he even knew how to pronounce his selection, although I decided not to ask him to translate it, even though I was 90 percent sure that he didn’t order goat entrails, so it probably would have been fine if he did. At moments like that, I guess I just figure… why tempt fate, if you know what I mean.
So, would you like to know how I liked my Ethiopian meal? I’ll tell you… it made me want to starve to death. I hadn’t realized it before, but the occurrence of starvation in Ethiopia is probably a choice in many instances… people just can’t face another bowl of paste and sponges. The country’s slogan could easily be changed to read…
Come to Ethiopia – A Wonderful Place to Miss a Meal
As I sat there, at first strategically moving my food around on my plate, and then generously offering everyone at our table and even those seated close by the opportunity to try what I had ordered, describing its taste like someone hosting an infomercial, I could tell that Ethiopian food was so 2010.

It had shown the world the many ways that sand, clay and brush could be transformed into dishes with varying amounts of moistness… some merely damp, others entirely soupy. And now there would be something new… something with even less appeal than eating what falls on the floor of the African continent.
These multicolored pastes and play-doughs, it occurred to me, had been brought from the Horn of Africa to Manhattan for no discernable reason other than to provide upscale foodies a taste of what it feels like to be malnourished. I decided that I would endeavor to impress my friends back in L.A. by finding out which country’s cuisine was likely to become the next trendy eatery for the recession-proof, restaurant addicted segment of our population before I left town.
I asked around… nothing. I tried the Zabar’s shoppers, and still… no ideas. Then, I figured that maybe the best way to find America’s next trendy dining experience might be to check the other countries where starvation has traditionally flourished. Would there be restaurants serving food from Darfur or Somalia, for example?
Doesn’t it just figure that in this country, where we have so much food we that throw away inconceivable amounts on an hourly basis and literally pay farmers millions of dollars not to grow stuff… that we’d have trendy intellectuals gravitating towards the trappings of the impoverished? It’s a lot like the untold millions of Americans who claim to be, “lactose intolerant.” Is anyone lactose intolerant in Darfur? I’m thinking… not, but what do I know?
So, unable to find anything worse than Ethiopian dining to hang my hat on as being the next new thing, but with the rich getting ever richer in this country every day, I started thinking that perhaps I should design the next trendy chic haute cuisine for those with discerning taste and sophisticated pallets, and open a restaurant myself.
But what could be even more primitive than eating Ethiopian style? It’s hard to beat sand and clay for dinner in terms of making a foodie with bank feel like he or she’s living large.
And then it hit me… Cuisine de Composti… A menu of delights made exclusively from refuse. The toniest locales could have their compost trucked in daily… fresh from Central Jersey, or in LA’s case, flown in fresh from Fresno.

Perfect! What’s even worse than eating in Ethiopia… eating right here at home in these United States. Heck, we’ve got closing in on 50 million on food stamps and at least four million homeless already… by next year those numbers will have both gone up. I’ll market the chance to experience the dining during America’s Great Depression, Part 2, to those not being given the chance to participate in it.
Opening the restaurant won’t cost much because it will be in a foreclosed and already decrepit building that we could be evicted from any day now. We’ll keep trying to get the sale postponed and letting the patrons know what’s happening so they’ll never know when the sheriff might arrive and have them removed… how exciting for them.
This is going to be huge… a way for the uber-rich to live like the neo-poor, but instead of Ethiopian poverty, we’ll let them experience what our own country’s bottom rung people get to taste and smell every day.
We could call the place… La Maison des Ordures (French for “House of Garbage”), and I’d write the first review…
New LA Dining Experience Says You Won’t Refuse the Refuse at
La Maison des Ordures
I recommend the Rancid Chicken in Curdled Cream for sure. Consider starting with the Romaine a’la Ptomaine, which is the chef’s signature salad.
For meat lovers, don’t miss out on trying the Putrescence of Pork which is prepared with a Diphtheria Glaze, and it is something you’ll likely remember for days or even weeks afterwards. And what this place does with its Decomposing Flap-Steak Fat is already said to be inspiring chefs around the world.
Don’t forget that upon request any of the meat dishes can be prepared to be served “extra rank,” which uses a rub made from a balanced blend of “miscellaneous droppings, lint scrapings and soap powder.”
Other popular items include the Stinking Fish with Reeking Cheese Potatoes and Insufferable Sauce, and for the real gourmand who isn’t allergic to petroleum-based products, the Eel du Oil is in a class by itself, but check the signs in front of the Arco across the street before ordering, as the price of this dish does fluctuate.
And for pasta lovers don’t pass up the Petrified Noodles, which are traditionally served with various larvaes in a mucous-based marinara… portions are generous so consider ordering one dish for the table and sharing.
On the lunch menu is the Canine Rigatoni… it’s a brand new addition so ask your server for details, and there’s the fabulous Hirsute Herring Chowder, which is served unshaven with a selection of moldy breads and crusty sponges.
And for either the children, or the un-tenured assistant professors from New York City College, along with any other budget conscious guests, there’s the always hearty, “Fetid Franks & Things,” a casserole dish that looks every bit as interesting as it smells.
Desert is certainly worth leaving room for… and the most popular are the Spoiled Crèmes in Kleenex, which is served sprinkled with a mix of coffee grounds, dust and acetaminophen… and who could forget, the dish that started it all, the Crème du Stench, which is truly a bouquet of aromas that shan’t be forgotten.
And for those adventurous diners, who don’t shy away from diseases born south of the border, there’s the Lumpy Crème de Cagada, which for a few dollars more can be ordered without lumps but this change does add about 20 minutes to the preparation time, so be sure to order ahead of time.
After dinner, patrons are welcome to linger over a cup of what appears to be the restaurant’s own coffee, look for it to be listed on the menu as “Steaming Hot Brown Fluid.” Its further description only says that it’s, “a proprietary blend,” and it seemed that by stopping short of disclosing what exactly was being blended, our table’s after dinner conversation was much more lively than usual.

Or, maybe not. I don’t know… now I seem to have lost my appetite…
Besides, I’m just thinking out loud.
Mandelman out.
Thinking Out Loud… Über-Trendy Rich New Yorkers & Ethiopian Cuisine

Manhattan is where the trendy chic food trends begin, for the most part, right? It has always seemed that way to me anyway, although I think LA may be able to take most of the credit for strip mall sushi, and Mexican fare.
Every time I’m in NYC, it seems that someone always suggests dining at some new kind of restaurant that until that moment, I didn’t really know existed. It’s always good in some ways, but it’s never the kind of food of which anyone takes large bites, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out for spaghetti and meatballs after dinner and goodnight.
I was in the city on business some years ago, dining with the CEO of an international conglomerate type of company who had wanted to dine at what looked to be a Chinese restaurant, but was supposedly representative of some far out province near the Mongolian border where yak was a delicacy, or whatever.
I’ll never forget it because he ordered the unbelievably expensive Bird Nest Soup for the table… if memory serves it was about $600 for maybe eight of us… and I am not making this up, you can ask someone else or look it up online. As I was blowing on a spoonful wondering how I was going to get out of this gracefully… he leaned over to tell me what a delicacy it was because, he said in a hushed tone, it was made with “real bird spit.”
“WHAT?” Unexpectedly taken aback for a moment, I had inadvertently blurted it out much louder than I would have liked. Not really noticing my reaction in any detail, he only repeated himself.
“Oh,” I said. “Real bird s-p-i-t… got it…wow, that is amazing. I thought you said… “
Spoon in hand, he had returned to focus on the contents of the ornate blue and white lacquered soup bowl in front of him. “Never mind,” I mumbled almost to myself.
Real bird spit, while considerably more palatable than its misheard alternative, was still not doing much for me. I remembered that I once had pretty much gagged on a spoonful of egg-drop soup that my daughter ordered and insisted that I try. And I figured that if I didn’t like egg in my soup, it seemed unlikely that I would end having a taste for a soup made from the nest in which the egg could have been laid.

And besides… REAL bird spit? As opposed to what, perhaps? Was there a company manufacturing fake bird spit and passing it off in cans as being the real thing to chefs in Mongolia? That was only my first thought on the subject. My second thought was that, although I detested that stuff referred to as imitation crabmeat, it was quite possible that bird spit would prove to be one of the few things in the world that given the choice, I’d probably just as soon opt for the fake one.
I peered into my spoon’s contents noticing the soup’s undeniable spit-like texture, and then as I watched him slurp it down like it was Campbell’s Chicken Noodle, I pretended it was still a bit too hot and returned my spoon to the bowl. Recognizing that a diversion was going to be needed, I simply waited a minute before knocking my water glass over and in the flurry of apologies and confusion, fed my bird’s nest soup to the oriental carpet. “Mmmm…” I said a few minutes later. Delicious,” and thankfully no was the wiser.
But, it was far too close a call and I made a mental note to do more to avoid getting pinned down in such dicey dining situations. I had learned this lesson before too… people with the means to eat absolutely anything are often drawn to really primitive peasant food and you have to watch them carefully or you could end up having to make a run for the relative privacy of a restaurant’s back alley in order to heave beyond the purview of the other guests.
I was in Helsinki some years ago for a couple of weeks and in case you get the chance to visit Finland… my knee-jerk response would be to yell out… No, don’t do it!
For one thing it never gets dark there so you can have the front desk book your tee time at midnight. But trust me on this, golf is frustrating enough during the hours in which it’s normally played. No one needs to be teeing off straight into the wind on a narrow 200-yard Par 3 with water on both sides at 3:15 AM, especially right after some 6’6” chick with blond hair and unusually muscular forearms named Maijuska, just opened your seventh beer at the turn.
For another, never attempt to spend time in a country where they have street names that make use of the letter ‘N’ five times, three of which being consecutive. Just try finding “Uudenmaankatu Ullanlinna,” after a couple shots of vodka at the hotel bar. Actually, it’s not that hard… it’s just past the intersection of Hietassaarenkuja and Porvoonk and if you hit Teollisuuskatu, you’ve gone too far. If you rent a car, you’re all but certain to be killed in a rear end collision as you attempt to decipher enough of the data involved in the decision of turning one way or the other.
I was there at a conference of the World Health Organization, my father’s doing, not mine, and so we were attending these hoity dinners at which I can only assume the academics and government officials had simply eaten everything the world had to offer and so were being fed things that the rest of us would likely view as “experimental” before we’d identify with it as food we might want to eat.
I remember breakfast vividly, for the most part, it was always a herring buffet… all different kinds of herring prepared in every conceivable way, although some of which I’m certain I would never have been able to conceive. And if you’re thinking that the problem was that herring alone isn’t all that filling, don’t worry… that was not the problem, and it was all the herring you could eat.
With that as breakfast fare, it was barely a surprise to find out that these world-renowned intellectuals with means eat porridge for dinner, but we’re not talking about Cream of Wheat with brown sugar, in this porridge there was invariably either reindeer or blood sausage involved.

I’d offer to describe its taste, but for 10 straight days, I consumed only two foods and one drink: 1. Boxes of what appeared to be the Finnish equivalent of Lorna Doones. 2. Very large bowls of Beluga and Osetra caviar on toast points with a squeeze of lemon and chased by innumerable ice-cold shots of Finnish vodka.
After that, while traveling in the Baltic, First Class on a cruise ship headed for St. Petersburg, I quickly discovered that I was unable to come within six feet of a huge vat sitting right in the middle of the breakfast buffet table every morning. I was told that it contained oatmeal, but I knew they were lying because although I will readily concede that “oatmeal” can spoil… it doesn’t die. And there was no question in my mind that whatever was now inside that giant vat, it had not walked among living creatures for many years.
So, you’d think that I’d have learned my lesson after all these years, but the last time I was in Manhattan someone said, “Hey, let’s go have Ethiopian food,” and inexplicably, I replied saying, “Okay, sounds good.” I heard myself say it… wanted to take it back, but it was too late, my host was already into telling me how much I was sure to love it.
Ethiopian food? Really? To my ears, it sounded like “jumbo shrimp.” I thought food in Ethiopia was at least somewhat a rarity… maybe not compared with Chad or Somalia, but up against Tribeca or the East Village, for sure.
Twenty years ago the epicurean daredevils would have been touting “Sushi,” which today, I admittedly find delicious, but that doesn’t change the fact that a country’s cuisine made up of small pieces of raw fish could only develop in a country where you can’t afford a whole fish per person and you lack the electricity or gas to allow most people to own stoves. If you have the yen, you order up a filet at Morton’s way before you develop a diet based on bite size pieces of raw fish… and rice.
And it makes sense to me because Japan is a rock about the size of New Jersey in the middle of the ocean; only one-seventh of the rock is arable… and historically speaking, the land nearby is generally jam packed with marauding hordes of one kind or another. Much safer if you learn to feed the people on your rock without anyone having to leave it, no question about it. So, rice and small pieces of raw fish rules the day, and I completely understand.
Another example is found in the tortillas with which so many Americans have become enamored. I mean, they’re fine for holding whatever you put inside them, as long as it’s beans, rice, and some kind of meat, and the whole thing will taste great given sufficient amounts of salsa, guacamole and sour cream.
But tortillas couldn’t have been everything their inventors were looking for, they had to be the result of people not being able to afford whatever they needed to make bread, right? They weren’t anyone’s first choice. Like they got sick of eating so much bread that they switched to tortillas? I seriously doubt that. Every time I hear someone ask, “Flour or corn?” I can’t help but think to myself, “Paper or plastic?” I mean, who cares?
How about this for an answer: Whichever promises to most significant reduction in the probability that the food inside will end up in my lap. With that in mind, you make the call.
Just like matzo, for the Jews in the audience, which was also clearly no one’s recipe, but rather is the sort of outcome possible when a bunch of slaves, on their way to a 40-year trek in the Sinai Desert, unexpectedly have to leave town in a hurry. Why we have to relive the outcome of planning so poorly that we were left with matzo thousands of years after the event is beyond me. I mean, come on… let my people go already.
And don’t start with that “tradition” nonsense. I don’t need a Tevya in my life unless he’s being played by Zero Mostel, capisce?

You don’t see any Jews volunteering to wander around for extended periods in the desert for tradition’s sake, do you? Not a chance. The closest thing to that you’ll ever see from today’s Jews occurs when Walter Annenberg and his wife spend a week or two at their place in Rancho Mirage.
No one WANTS to eat matzo, which is why even Jews only consider doing it over the course of maybe a week a year. I somehow manage to choke down half a sheet sheet of the stuff annually, but only if I can find the Egg & Onion flavor and slather it in butter and salt, which is basically the same sort of scenario under which I would be willing to eat shirt cardboard. Eating the stuff without some sort of liquid within reach kills more people each year than any other food except improperly prepared blow fish.
Matzo was simply the best they could do in a pinch. If you don’t have a pharaoh on your tail who’s bent on exterminating your entire clan, and there isn’t a guy named Moses running from hut to hut yelling, “Let’s go, for Christ’s sake,” then you let the bread rise and leave the following day.

So anyway, that’s what we did… we went out for Ethiopian food, which I soon learned is not all that far from what I expected would be the cuisine of a poor African nation that, for most of my life, was at war with neighboring Eritrea. And, why a country plagued by drought would attempt to develop an economy based almost exclusively on agriculture is one of those head scratchers for smarter minds than mine.
Didn’t they learn anything from Las Vegas? I know they know about Vegas because half the cab drivers in Vegas are either from Ethiopia or Eritrea, so you’d think that by now someone would have sent a postcard home with a few tips, at the very least.
Or maybe it’s that, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” thing at work. (Okay, I apologize for that. It was entirely uncalled for and just plain wrong. You have my word that it won’t happen again.)
So, after being seated at a table for four, the six of us perused the menu in complete silence until it was awkward. And just my luck, our waiter, who was a dead-ringer for Ziggy Marley, approached my side of the table first, saying…
“Are you ready to order, Mon?”
“Yes. I think I’ll have three small bowls of paste and a basket of sandy sponges.”
“Very good, sir. What color pastes would you like?”
“Hmm… let’s stay with Earth-tones… oh, and nothing purple,” the last thought having been inspired at the last moment as a table nearby received its order as I was finishing mine.
“Great, and to drink?”
“Let’s see… which do you recommend… the Desert Brush Tea or the Clay-aide? Never mind, I think I’ll have the tea.” The waiter had already turned his attention to the next order but when I mumbled under my breath, “I drank too much clay last night,” he turned back to me. “I’m sorry, did you want to change something?”
“No, I’m fine,” I replied. “Absolutely perfect.” Great, I thought. Now he’d probably spit in my tea before bringing it to the table. I started imagining that I was Larry David in an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”
Our host loved his meal. You could tell that he was literally enthralled by the overly cultural experience… he even knew how to pronounce his selection, although I decided not to ask him to translate it, even though I was 90 percent sure that he didn’t order goat entrails, so it probably would have been fine if he did. At moments like that, I guess I just figure… why tempt fate, if you know what I mean.
So, would you like to know how I liked my Ethiopian meal? I’ll tell you… it made me want to starve to death. I hadn’t realized it before, but the occurrence of starvation in Ethiopia is probably a choice in many instances… people just can’t face another bowl of paste and sponges. The country’s slogan could easily be changed to read…
Come to Ethiopia – A Wonderful Place to Miss a Meal
As I sat there, at first strategically moving my food around on my plate, and then generously offering everyone at our table and even those seated close by the opportunity to try what I had ordered, describing its taste like someone hosting an infomercial, I could tell that Ethiopian food was so 2010.

It had shown the world the many ways that sand, clay and brush could be transformed into dishes with varying amounts of moistness… some merely damp, others entirely soupy. And now there would be something new… something with even less appeal than eating what falls on the floor of the African continent.
These multicolored pastes and play-doughs, it occurred to me, had been brought from the Horn of Africa to Manhattan for no discernable reason other than to provide upscale foodies a taste of what it feels like to be malnourished. I decided that I would endeavor to impress my friends back in L.A. by finding out which country’s cuisine was likely to become the next trendy eatery for the recession-proof, restaurant addicted segment of our population before I left town.
I asked around… nothing. I tried the Zabar’s shoppers, and still… no ideas. Then, I figured that maybe the best way to find America’s next trendy dining experience might be to check the other countries where starvation has traditionally flourished. Would there be restaurants serving food from Darfur or Somalia, for example?
Doesn’t it just figure that in this country, where we have so much food we that throw away inconceivable amounts on an hourly basis and literally pay farmers millions of dollars not to grow stuff… that we’d have trendy intellectuals gravitating towards the trappings of the impoverished? It’s a lot like the untold millions of Americans who claim to be, “lactose intolerant.” Is anyone lactose intolerant in Darfur? I’m thinking… not, but what do I know?
So, unable to find anything worse than Ethiopian dining to hang my hat on as being the next new thing, but with the rich getting ever richer in this country every day, I started thinking that perhaps I should design the next trendy chic haute cuisine for those with discerning taste and sophisticated pallets, and open a restaurant myself.
But what could be even more primitive than eating Ethiopian style? It’s hard to beat sand and clay for dinner in terms of making a foodie with bank feel like he or she’s living large.
And then it hit me… Cuisine de Composti… A menu of delights made exclusively from refuse. The toniest locales could have their compost trucked in daily… fresh from Central Jersey, or in LA’s case, flown in fresh from Fresno.

Perfect! What’s even worse than eating in Ethiopia… eating right here at home in these United States. Heck, we’ve got closing in on 50 million on food stamps and at least four million homeless already… by next year those numbers will have both gone up. I’ll market the chance to experience the dining during America’s Great Depression, Part 2, to those not being given the chance to participate in it.
Opening the restaurant won’t cost much because it will be in a foreclosed and already decrepit building that we could be evicted from any day now. We’ll keep trying to get the same postponed and letting the patrons know what’s happening so they’ll never know when the sheriff might arrive and have them removed… how exciting for them.
This is going to be huge… a way for the rich to live like the poor, but instead of Ethiopian poverty, we’ll let them experience what our own country’s poor people get to taste and smell every day.
We could call the place… La Maison des Ordures (French for “House of Garbage”), and I’d write the first review…
New LA Dining Experience Says You Won’t Refuse the Refuse at
La Maison des Ordures
I recommend the Rancid Chicken in Curdled Cream for sure. Consider starting with the Romaine a’la Ptomaine, which is the chef’s signature salad.
For meat lovers, don’t miss out on trying the Putrescence of Pork which is prepared with a Diphtheria Glaze, as it is something you’ll likely remember for days or even weeks afterwards. And what this place does with its Decomposing Flap-Steak Fat is already said to be inspiring chefs around the world.
Don’t forget that upon request any of the meat dishes can be prepared to be served “extra rank,” which uses a rub made from a balanced blend of “miscellaneous droppings, lint scrapings and soap powder.”
Other popular items include the Stinking Fish with Reeking Cheese Potatoes, and for the real gourmand who isn’t allergic to petroleum-based products, the Eel du Oil is in a class by itself, but check the signs in front of the Arco across the street before ordering, as the price of this dish does fluctuate. And for pasta lovers don’t pass up the Petrified Noodles, which are traditionally served with various larvaes in a mucous-based marinara… portions are generous so consider ordering one dish for the table and sharing.
On the lunch menu is the Canine Rigatoni, it’s a brand new addition so ask your server for details, and there’s a fabulous Hirsute Herring Chowder, which is served unshaven with what we assumed was a selection of moldy breads and dried out sponges.
And for either the children, or the un-tenured assistant professors from New York City College, along with any other budget conscious guests, there’s the always hearty, “Fetid Franks & Things,” a casserole dish that looks every bit as interesting as it smells.
Desert is certainly worth leaving room for… and the most popular are the Spoiled Crèmes in Kleenex, which is served sprinkled with a mix of coffee grounds, dust and acetaminophen… and who could forget, the dish that started it all, the Crème du Stench, which is truly a bouquet of aromas that shan’t be forgotten.
And for those adventurous diners, who don’t mind diseases from south of the border, there’s the Lumpy Crème de Cagada, which for a few dollars more can be prepared without lumps but this does require about 20 minutes longer to prepare so be sure to order ahead of time.
After dinner, patrons are welcome to linger over a cup of what appears to be the restaurant’s own coffee, look for it to be listed on the menu as “Steaming Hot Brown Fluid.” Its further description only says that it’s, “a proprietary blend,” and it seemed that by stopping short of disclosing what was exactly was being blended, our table’s after dinner conversation was much more lively than usual.

Or, maybe not. I don’t know… now I seem to have lost my appetite…
Besides, I’m just thinking out loud.
Mandelman out.
Thinking Out Loud… Über-Trendy Rich New Yorkers & Ethiopian Cuisine

Manhattan is where the trendy chic food trends begin, for the most part, right? It has always seemed that way to me anyway, although I think LA may be able to take most of the credit for strip mall sushi, and Mexican fare.
Every time I’m in NYC, it seems that someone always suggests dining at some new kind of restaurant that until that moment, I didn’t really know existed. It’s always good in some ways, but it’s never the kind of food of which anyone takes large bites, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out for spaghetti and meatballs after dinner and goodnight.
I was in the city on business some years ago, dining with the CEO of an international conglomerate type of company who had wanted to dine at what looked to be a Chinese restaurant, but was supposedly representative of some far out province near the Mongolian border where yak was a delicacy, or whatever.
I’ll never forget it because he ordered the unbelievably expensive Bird Nest Soup for the table… if memory serves it was about $600 for maybe eight of us… and I am not making this up, you can ask someone else or look it up online. As I was blowing on a spoonful wondering how I was going to get out of this gracefully… he leaned over to tell me what a delicacy it was because, he said in a hushed tone, it was made with “real bird spit.”
“WHAT?” Unexpectedly taken aback for a moment, I had inadvertently blurted it out much louder than I would have liked. Not really noticing my reaction in any detail, he only repeated himself.
“Oh,” I said. “Real bird s-p-i-t… got it…wow, that is amazing. I thought you said… “
Spoon in hand, he had returned to focus on the contents of the ornate blue and white lacquered soup bowl in front of him. “Never mind,” I mumbled almost to myself.
Real bird spit, while considerably more palatable than its misheard alternative, was still not doing much for me. I remembered that I once had pretty much gagged on a spoonful of egg-drop soup that my daughter ordered and insisted that I try. And I figured that if I didn’t like egg in my soup, it seemed unlikely that I would end having a taste for a soup made from the nest in which the egg could have been laid.

And besides… REAL bird spit? As opposed to what, perhaps? Was there a company manufacturing fake bird spit and passing it off in cans as being the real thing to chefs in Mongolia? That was only my first thought on the subject. My second thought was that, although I detested that stuff referred to as imitation crabmeat, it was quite possible that bird spit would prove to be one of the few things in the world that given the choice, I’d probably just as soon opt for the fake one.
I peered into my spoon’s contents noticing the soup’s undeniable spit-like texture, and then as I watched him slurp it down like it was Campbell’s Chicken Noodle, I pretended it was still a bit too hot and returned my spoon to the bowl. Recognizing that a diversion was going to be needed, I simply waited a minute before knocking my water glass over and in the flurry of apologies and confusion, fed my bird’s nest soup to the oriental carpet. “Mmmm…” I said a few minutes later. Delicious,” and thankfully no was the wiser.
But, it was far too close a call and I made a mental note to do more to avoid getting pinned down in such dicey dining situations. I had learned this lesson before too… people with the means to eat absolutely anything are often drawn to really primitive peasant food and you have to watch them carefully or you could end up having to make a run for the relative privacy of a restaurant’s back alley in order to heave beyond the purview of the other guests.
I was in Helsinki some years ago for a couple of weeks and in case you get the chance to visit Finland… my knee-jerk response would be to yell out… No, don’t do it!
For one thing it never gets dark there so you can have the front desk book your tee time at midnight. But trust me on this, golf is frustrating enough during the hours in which it’s normally played. No one needs to be teeing off straight into the wind on a narrow 200-yard Par 3 with water on both sides at 3:15 AM, especially right after some 6’6” chick with blond hair and unusually muscular forearms named Maijuska, just opened your seventh beer at the turn.
For another, never attempt to spend time in a country where they have street names that make use of the letter ‘N’ five times, three of which being consecutive. Just try finding “Uudenmaankatu Ullanlinna,” after a couple shots of vodka at the hotel bar. Actually, it’s not that hard… it’s just past the intersection of Hietassaarenkuja and Porvoonk and if you hit Teollisuuskatu, you’ve gone too far. If you rent a car, you’re all but certain to be killed in a rear end collision as you attempt to decipher enough of the data involved in the decision of turning one way or the other.
I was there at a conference of the World Health Organization, my father’s doing, not mine, and so we were attending these hoity dinners at which I can only assume the academics and government officials had simply eaten everything the world had to offer and so were being fed things that the rest of us would likely view as “experimental” before we’d identify with it as food we might want to eat.
I remember breakfast vividly, for the most part, it was always a herring buffet… all different kinds of herring prepared in every conceivable way, although some of which I’m certain I would never have been able to conceive. And if you’re thinking that the problem was that herring alone isn’t all that filling, don’t worry… that was not the problem, and it was all the herring you could eat.
With that as breakfast fare, it was barely a surprise to find out that these world-renowned intellectuals with means eat porridge for dinner, but we’re not talking about Cream of Wheat with brown sugar, in this porridge there was invariably either reindeer or blood sausage involved.

I’d offer to describe its taste, but for 10 straight days, I consumed only two foods and one drink: 1. Boxes of what appeared to be the Finnish equivalent of Lorna Doones. 2. Very large bowls of Beluga and Osetra caviar on toast points with a squeeze of lemon and chased by innumerable ice-cold shots of Finnish vodka.
After that, while traveling in the Baltic, First Class on a cruise ship headed for St. Petersburg, I quickly discovered that I was unable to come within six feet of a huge vat sitting right in the middle of the breakfast buffet table every morning. I was told that it contained oatmeal, but I knew they were lying because although I will readily concede that “oatmeal” can spoil… it doesn’t die. And there was no question in my mind that whatever was now inside that giant vat, it had not walked among living creatures for many years.
So, you’d think that I’d have learned my lesson after all these years, but the last time I was in Manhattan someone said, “Hey, let’s go have Ethiopian food,” and inexplicably, I replied saying, “Okay, sounds good.” I heard myself say it… wanted to take it back, but it was too late, my host was already into telling me how much I was sure to love it.
Ethiopian food? Really? To my ears, it sounded like “jumbo shrimp.” I thought food in Ethiopia was at least somewhat a rarity… maybe not compared with Chad or Somalia, but up against Tribeca or the East Village, for sure.
Twenty years ago the epicurean daredevils would have been touting “Sushi,” which today, I admittedly find delicious, but that doesn’t change the fact that a country’s cuisine made up of small pieces of raw fish could only develop in a country where you can’t afford a whole fish per person and you lack the electricity or gas to allow most people to own stoves. If you have the yen, you order up a filet at Morton’s way before you develop a diet based on bite size pieces of raw fish… and rice.
And it makes sense to me because Japan is a rock about the size of New Jersey in the middle of the ocean; only one-seventh of the rock is arable… and historically speaking, the land nearby is generally jam packed with marauding hordes of one kind or another. Much safer if you learn to feed the people on your rock without anyone having to leave it, no question about it. So, rice and small pieces of raw fish rules the day, and I completely understand.
Another example is found in the tortillas with which so many Americans have become enamored. I mean, they’re fine for holding whatever you put inside them, as long as it’s beans, rice, and some kind of meat, and the whole thing will taste great given sufficient amounts of salsa, guacamole and sour cream.
But tortillas couldn’t have been everything their inventors were looking for, they had to be the result of people not being able to afford whatever they needed to make bread, right? They weren’t anyone’s first choice. Like they got sick of eating so much bread that they switched to tortillas? I seriously doubt that. Every time I hear someone ask, “Flour or corn?” I can’t help but think to myself, “Paper or plastic?” I mean, who cares?
How about this for an answer: Whichever promises to most significant reduction in the probability that the food inside will end up in my lap. With that in mind, you make the call.
Just like matzo, for the Jews in the audience, which was also clearly no one’s recipe, but rather is the sort of outcome possible when a bunch of slaves, on their way to a 40-year trek in the Sinai Desert, unexpectedly have to leave town in a hurry. Why we have to relive the outcome of planning so poorly that we were left with matzo thousands of years after the event is beyond me. I mean, come on… let my people go already.
And don’t start with that “tradition” nonsense. I don’t need a Tevya in my life unless he’s being played by Zero Mostel, capisce?

You don’t see any Jews volunteering to wander around for extended periods in the desert for tradition’s sake, do you? Not a chance. The closest thing to that you’ll ever see from today’s Jews occurs when Walter Annenberg and his wife spend a week or two at their place in Rancho Mirage.
No one WANTS to eat matzo, which is why even Jews only consider doing it over the course of maybe a week a year. I somehow manage to choke down half a sheet sheet of the stuff annually, but only if I can find the Egg & Onion flavor and slather it in butter and salt, which is basically the same sort of scenario under which I would be willing to eat shirt cardboard. Eating the stuff without some sort of liquid within reach kills more people each year than any other food except improperly prepared blow fish.
Matzo was simply the best they could do in a pinch. If you don’t have a pharaoh on your tail who’s bent on exterminating your entire clan, and there isn’t a guy named Moses running from hut to hut yelling, “Let’s go, for Christ’s sake,” then you let the bread rise and leave the following day.

So anyway, that’s what we did… we went out for Ethiopian food, which I soon learned is not all that far from what I expected would be the cuisine of a poor African nation that, for most of my life, was at war with neighboring Eritrea. And, why a country plagued by drought would attempt to develop an economy based almost exclusively on agriculture is one of those head scratchers for smarter minds than mine.
Didn’t they learn anything from Las Vegas? I know they know about Vegas because half the cab drivers in Vegas are either from Ethiopia or Eritrea, so you’d think that by now someone would have sent a postcard home with a few tips, at the very least.
Or maybe it’s that, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” thing at work. (Okay, I apologize for that. It was entirely uncalled for and just plain wrong. You have my word that it won’t happen again.)
So, after being seated at a table for four, the six of us perused the menu in complete silence until it was awkward. And just my luck, our waiter, who was a dead-ringer for Ziggy Marley, approached my side of the table first, saying…
“Are you ready to order, Mon?”
“Yes. I think I’ll have three small bowls of paste and a basket of sandy sponges.”
“Very good, sir. What color pastes would you like?”
“Hmm… let’s stay with Earth-tones… oh, and nothing purple,” the last thought having been inspired at the last moment as a table nearby received its order as I was finishing mine.
“Great, and to drink?”
“Let’s see… which do you recommend… the Desert Brush Tea or the Clay-aide? Never mind, I think I’ll have the tea.” The waiter had already turned his attention to the next order but when I mumbled under my breath, “I drank too much clay last night,” he turned back to me. “I’m sorry, did you want to change something?”
“No, I’m fine,” I replied. “Absolutely perfect.” Great, I thought. Now he’d probably spit in my tea before bringing it to the table. I started imagining that I was Larry David in an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”
Our host loved his meal. You could tell that he was literally enthralled by the overly cultural experience… he even knew how to pronounce his selection, although I decided not to ask him to translate it, even though I was 90 percent sure that he didn’t order goat entrails, so it probably would have been fine if he did. At moments like that, I guess I just figure… why tempt fate, if you know what I mean.
So, would you like to know how I liked my Ethiopian meal? I’ll tell you… it made me want to starve to death. I hadn’t realized it before, but the occurrence of starvation in Ethiopia is probably a choice in many instances… people just can’t face another bowl of paste and sponges. The country’s slogan could easily be changed to read…
Come to Ethiopia – A Wonderful Place to Miss a Meal
As I sat there, at first strategically moving my food around on my plate, and then generously offering everyone at our table and even those seated close by the opportunity to try what I had ordered, describing its taste like someone hosting an infomercial, I could tell that Ethiopian food was so 2010.

It had shown the world the many ways that sand, clay and brush could be transformed into dishes with varying amounts of moistness… some merely damp, others entirely soupy. And now there would be something new… something with even less appeal than eating what falls on the floor of the African continent.
These multicolored pastes and play-doughs, it occurred to me, had been brought from the Horn of Africa to Manhattan for no discernable reason other than to provide upscale foodies a taste of what it feels like to be malnourished. I decided that I would endeavor to impress my friends back in L.A. by finding out which country’s cuisine was likely to become the next trendy eatery for the recession-proof, restaurant addicted segment of our population before I left town.
I asked around… nothing. I tried the Zabar’s shoppers, and still… no ideas. Then, I figured that maybe the best way to find America’s next trendy dining experience might be to check the other countries where starvation has traditionally flourished. Would there be restaurants serving food from Darfur or Somalia, for example?
Doesn’t it just figure that in this country, where we have so much food we that throw away inconceivable amounts on an hourly basis and literally pay farmers millions of dollars not to grow stuff… that we’d have trendy intellectuals gravitating towards the trappings of the impoverished? It’s a lot like the untold millions of Americans who claim to be, “lactose intolerant.” Is anyone lactose intolerant in Darfur? I’m thinking… not, but what do I know?
So, unable to find anything worse than Ethiopian dining to hang my hat on as being the next new thing, but with the rich getting ever richer in this country every day, I started thinking that perhaps I should design the next trendy chic haute cuisine for those with discerning taste and sophisticated pallets, and open a restaurant myself.
But what could be even more primitive than eating Ethiopian style? It’s hard to beat sand and clay for dinner in terms of making a foodie with bank feel like he or she’s living large.
And then it hit me… Cuisine de Composti… A menu of delights made exclusively from refuse. The toniest locales could have their compost trucked in daily… fresh from Central Jersey, or in LA’s case, flown in fresh from Fresno.

Perfect! What’s even worse than eating in Ethiopia… eating right here at home in these United States. Heck, we’ve got closing in on 50 million on food stamps and at least four million homeless already… by next year those numbers will have both gone up. I’ll market the chance to experience the dining during America’s Great Depression, Part 2, to those not being given the chance to participate in it.
Opening the restaurant won’t cost much because it will be in a foreclosed and already decrepit building that we could be evicted from any day now. We’ll keep trying to get the same postponed and letting the patrons know what’s happening so they’ll never know when the sheriff might arrive and have them removed… how exciting for them.
This is going to be huge… a way for the rich to live like the poor, but instead of Ethiopian poverty, we’ll let them experience what our own country’s poor people get to taste and smell every day.
We could call the place… La Maison des Ordures (French for “House of Garbage”), and I’d write the first review…
New LA Dining Experience Says You Won’t Refuse the Refuse at
La Maison des Ordures
I recommend the Rancid Chicken in Curdled Cream for sure. Consider starting with the Romaine a’la Ptomaine, which is the chef’s signature salad.
For meat lovers, don’t miss out on trying the Putrescence of Pork which is prepared with a Diphtheria Glaze, as it is something you’ll likely remember for days or even weeks afterwards. And what this place does with its Decomposing Flap-Steak Fat is already said to be inspiring chefs around the world.
Don’t forget that upon request any of the meat dishes can be prepared to be served “extra rank,” which uses a rub made from a balanced blend of “miscellaneous droppings, lint scrapings and soap powder.”
Other popular items include the Stinking Fish with Reeking Cheese Potatoes, and for the real gourmand who isn’t allergic to petroleum-based products, the Eel du Oil is in a class by itself, but check the signs in front of the Arco across the street before ordering, as the price of this dish does fluctuate. And for pasta lovers don’t pass up the Petrified Noodles, which are traditionally served with various larvaes in a mucous-based marinara… portions are generous so consider ordering one dish for the table and sharing.
On the lunch menu is the Canine Rigatoni, it’s a brand new addition so ask your server for details, and there’s a fabulous Hirsute Herring Chowder, which is served unshaven with what we assumed was a selection of moldy breads and dried out sponges.
And for either the children, or the un-tenured assistant professors from New York City College, along with any other budget conscious guests, there’s the always hearty, “Fetid Franks & Things,” a casserole dish that looks every bit as interesting as it smells.
Desert is certainly worth leaving room for… and the most popular are the Spoiled Crèmes in Kleenex, which is served sprinkled with a mix of coffee grounds, dust and acetaminophen… and who could forget, the dish that started it all, the Crème du Stench, which is truly a bouquet of aromas that shan’t be forgotten.
And for those adventurous diners, who don’t mind diseases from south of the border, there’s the Lumpy Crème de Cagada, which for a few dollars more can be prepared without lumps but this does require about 20 minutes longer to prepare so be sure to order ahead of time.
After dinner, patrons are welcome to linger over a cup of what appears to be the restaurant’s own coffee, look for it to be listed on the menu as “Steaming Hot Brown Fluid.” Its further description only says that it’s, “a proprietary blend,” and it seemed that by stopping short of disclosing what was exactly was being blended, our table’s after dinner conversation was much more lively than usual.

Or, maybe not. I don’t know… now I seem to have lost my appetite…
Besides, I’m just thinking out loud.
Mandelman out.
Introducing 30 MINUTES OF TALKING – A Mandelman Matters Podcast

OF TALKING
A Mandelman Matters Podcast
Introducing a new Mandelman Matters Podcast… 30 Minutes of Talking. Look for it Fridays… on Mandelman Matters. Unlike Mandelman Matters Podcasts, which are in-depth interviews with subject matter experts, on 30 Minutes of Talking you’ll get… well, you get 30 Minutes of… RIGHT!
This week’s show focuses on the Obama Administration’s handling of the foreclosure and housing crisis, by examining the statements made during the press conference the administration held to announce the settlement between the 49 state attorneys general and the five largest mortgage servicers… even though it would be weeks before the settlement would actually be finalized and court approved.
To say the process lacked transparency would be dramatic understatement, and many have written about the shortcomings of the settlement’s terms, whether related to the monetary inadequacy or servicer standards. I take no issue with either of those aspects, instead focusing in on the statements made by the administration that day when they prematurely announced that a settlement had been reached. Their rhetoric represented a significant departure from anything we’ve heard over the last three years… and that makes it interesting.
This week’s show also features Talcott Franklin, the attorney representing RMBS investors… the solution to the housing and consumer debt crisis favored by Harvard professor, and former economic adviser to the Reagan Administration, Martin Feldstein, and even draws from words spoken by CNBC’s Diana Olick.
I hope you enjoy it… it’s supposed to be entertaining, but one never really knows. Give it a try by making sure your speakers are turned up and clicking PLAY below. And if you want to hear anything specifically discussed on a future show, email me at mandelman@mac.com.
30 Minutes of Talking… I do the talking… you do the listening.
So, we both have a role to play.
Mandelman out.
Holy Crap | Game Over – The Mother Of All Infographics: Visualizing America’s Derivatives Universe
- The Role of Derivatives in the Financial Crisis – Credit Default Swaps and the Economic Meltdown
- Bank of America Debt Collection Calls: “You little, lazy ass bitch, get your mother f—ing ass up and go pick some mother f—ing cotton fields, bitch.”
- Holy Fraudclosure! | Cantwell to Justice Department: Fully Investigate Fraudulent Foreclosures before Bank Settlement
Brookings Institution | 2.3 Million Children have Already Lost their Homes to Foreclosure, 6 Million More at Serious Risk
Federal Judge Magner: Wells Fargo’s Behavior “Highly Reprehensible”

Does anyone know what’s happened at Wells Fargo Bank? If so, please let the rest of us know, because in a line up of TBTF bank CEOs, to stand out as being particularly awful is no easy task… and yet Wells Fargo’s CEO, John Stumpf has risen to the challenge and then some.
At the beginning of April of this year, Judge Elizabeth Magner, a federal bankruptcy judge in the Eastern District of Louisiana, characterized Wells Fargo’s behavior as being “highly reprehensible.” Think about that for a moment. That means that the judge decided that to describe Wells Fargo as merely “reprehensible,” wasn’t enough.
Wow, that is something. Can you imagine someone saying that about you… a federal judge, no less? I’m thinking that if a federal judge ever has the occasion to describe my behavior as being worse than “reprehensible,” I’m going to jail for a long time.
Of course, no danger of anything like that happening here… bankers don’t go to jail in this country, every one knows that. But, in this instance, after more than five years in litigation with a single homeowner, Judge Magner ordered Wells Fargo to pay the New Orleans man $3.1 million in punitive damages.
Now, if that sounds like a paltry sum for the likes of Wells Fargo, that’s only because it is. And that it represents one of the largest fines ever levied related to mortgage servicing misconduct hardly makes it feel any better.
It’s kind of like being forced to eat dog turd ice cream, but finding out that it’s okay if you pour motor oil on top. Does that improve your circumstances? I guess so, but…
Judge Magner, in her opinion, wrote…
“Wells Fargo has taken advantage of borrowers who rely on it to accurately apply payments and calculate the amounts owed, but perhaps more disturbing is Wells Fargo’s refusal to voluntarily correct its errors. It prefers to rely on the ignorance of borrowers or their inability to fund a challenge to its demands, rather than voluntarily relinquish gains obtained through improper accounting methods.”
So, what was Wells Fargo doing exactly? Well, they were systematically over-charging the people least able to do anything about it… those filing bankruptcy. In this case, Wells Fargo improperly charged the borrower $24,000 in fees, but it wasn’t done by hand, it was the bank’s automated systems doing precisely what they were programmed to do. Like, anything but an isolated incident.
After the borrower fell into default on his mortgage, Wells Fargo’s automated system began applying his mortgage payments to interest and fees that had accrued instead of to principal, as required by his servicing contract, which in turn led to him being charged with a virtual waterfall of additional fees and interest. And even after the borrower filed bankruptcy, Wells Fargo continued to misapply his payments, according to Judge Magner’s written opinion.
And why wouldn’t they? I know, it sounds weird to say it, but I think I would have been disappointed had Wells stopped there.
There’s even a terme de l’art for this scenario used by consumer lawyers… they call it a “rolling default.” I suppose the name refers to the idea that once the scheme gets rolling, it’s all downhill from there. I think it should be called a “boiling default,” because once it’s boiling, you’re goose is most assuredly cooked.
Or, wait a minute… hang on… how about we call it: “Getting Stumpfed.”
(Come on, admit it… I’m good.)
Judge Magner went on to describe Wells Fargo’s litigation tactics as involving the filing of dozens of briefs, motions and other filings clearly designed to slow down legal proceedings to such a point that anyone thinking of mounting a legal challenge against a bank quickly finds it essentially impossible.
And since it’s only through costly litigation that the insidious crimes of Wells Fargo become apparent, all the bank has to do is prevent those with limited resources from doing what they can’t do with limited resources. Now there’s a winning business model for you. Like making billions by stopping blind people from seeing.

What sort of a company engineers this sort of strategic core competency anyway? Remember Ford’s infamous Pinto strategy… rather than fix the problem, just settle them as they exploded? Well, this Wells Fargo stuff makes that look as benevolent as Girl Scouts selling cookies after church.
Wells Fargo actually engineered a strategy and built a system to rampantly abuse the individuals in our society least able to defend their interests. This is a bank that deserves to have a statue erected in its likeliness and even its own Lazarus-styled sonnet. I’m just thinking out loud here, but how about…
“The Statue of Larceny”
And inside the base, engraved on a bronze plaque, could be these words…
Give us your jobless, injured, bankrupt filers, whose lawyers won’t work free.
The wretched refuse against whom in court we’ll always score.
Send them one by one, homes all sold by substitute trustee,
We’ll rape them, rob them, force them out Wells Fargo’s golden door.
Not bad, right? No? Sheesh… tough crowd.
Judge Magner, in an interview with Ben Hallman of Huffington Post, said that she personally analyzed the loan files of twenty borrowers in her court and found supposed “errors” in every single instance. So, at least we know the systems are working properly, and somehow I find that oddly reassuring.
I don’t know why but there’s something even more terrifying about the idea that we might be getting ripped off by banks in an entirely random way. Like one day you get hit for a hundred… and the next day not only is your entire IRA gone, but two weeks later you learn that the bank bounced one of your checks to the IRS for the penalty on the early withdrawal.
I know, right? Now, that would be rude.
I guess I only have a couple of questions I’d like to ask, and the most obvious is: Why would anyone whose read about this decision continue to bank at Wells Fargo?
I mean, if they do this sort of thing systematically… AND THEY UNQUESTIONABLY DO, how do you know where the other spots are that are picking your pocket for twenty here and twenty there. Because you’re not going to tell me you think this case has uncovered the only place at Wells Fargo where this sort of thing goes on, are you? Come on… what are you, six?
And, my second question is: What do our elected representatives do these days… I mean specifically? State or federal, I don’t care which… you pick. Because it kind of seems like we’ve quietly been transformed into a lawless society in many ways, don’t you think?
Like in this bankruptcy case… the judge has uncovered the systematic stealing from the defenseless, but it’s not like it’s a major news story, or anything. To the contrary, it’s nowhere. Doesn’t anyone but me find that amazing? How do they do that? Where have all the journalists gone?
I can tell you that I receive more complaints about Wells Fargo refusing to approve loan modifications than any three other mortgage servicers combined. But then, Wells did modify one of the homeowners I wrote about a few months back. I don’t know why, maybe it was an accident.
Here’s one more thing Judge Marner said about Wells Fargo in her written opinion…
“These are loans of working-class people who bought homes they could afford and whose loans were not administered correctly from an accounting perspective,” Judge Magner said. “I think that these types of problems occur in almost every [defaulted] loan in the country.”
Good Lord.
So, Mr. John Stumpf… Wells Fargo’s CEO… you just go ahead committing those criminal acts with impunity. Don’t change now… go down with your ship. Besides, I’m sure there are deceptions your people haven’t thought of yet.
Do you have a program that targets autistic children yet? Or what about something abusive for unmarried pregnant chicks that never finished high school? Or, what about the elderly, are you doing enough to take advantage of the elderly?
I’m sure you’ll think of something, which is why I’ve told my wife and daughter to stay out of banks for the foreseeable future. We only make deposits at the ATM at night, which may sound crazy, but I’m betting will one day soon prove considerably safer than being inside during the day.
Lo siento. Que se mejore pronto.
Mandelman out.
Who’s Watching the Banks? (infographic)
Crimes of Hubris, Ineptitude & Folly: Geithner, Summers and Obama

I’d like your opinion on the following purely hypothetical scenario…
If a small group of individuals working within a nation’s government made a series of decisions that destroyed the economic security of tens of millions of the country’s citizens… decisions that literally cost thousands of lives, and in all likelihood shortened the life expectancies of hundreds of thousands more… failed to such a degree that it would be more than a decade before any recovery would be possible… then claimed economic recovery knowing that 93 percent of gains had gone to the top one percent… and they did all of this while failing to address the core issues that led to the crisis in the first place…
… should such individuals be prosecuted… impeached… or imprisoned?
And I can’t help but wonder… again, purely hypothetically, of course… what sort of harm would such “leaders” have to cause before they should they be executed? Because, it would seem obvious to say that they damn sure should not be reelected… or at least not allowed to continue on their chosen path.
Please don’t get agitated… I’m not suggesting President Obama be prosecuted, impeached, imprisoned… and, good Lord… certainly not executed. Nor am I suggesting such fates as being appropriate for Messrs. Geithner or Summers. It was a purely hypothetical scenario that I posed… not one I am suggesting exists in reality in the United States of America today.
But, you do know what I’m saying, right?
And that you just answered that query in the affirmative… should alone be enough to give one pause.
Now, I’m not going to get involved in the mincing of words, nor am I going to suggest that the policy decisions made by the Obama Administration were in any way nefarious. In fact, to the contrary… I’m willing to accept that the administration’s decisions to-date were made in the face of such unprecedented complexity and political impenetrability that some amount of reasonably momentous error was all but preordained.
I am also not writing this as some sort of political diatribe designed to potentially influence for whom one should or shouldn’t vote in 2012. Our presidential elections are a choice between two, or perhaps more, candidates, and Americans are all quite familiar with a thought process that results in a vote against one… as often as for another.
And, while you should read these words as an indictment of the decisions made by the Obama Administration during its first term in office, you may also rest assured that the fact that the Republican party as a whole has done nothing to help the administration contend with the catastrophic economic situation our nation continues to face, has in no way been lost on me.
In point of fact, the Republicans have engaged in obstructionist politics during a time of national crisis and should be ashamed. I don’t think there’s any question that were our crises made from war, their acts would have been seen as nothing short of treasonous and therefore would have been unthinkable.

20:20 Vision…
All told, as related to our nation’s economy, every American citizen today should view the on-going inaction on both sides of the aisle, as utterly intolerable.
The fact is that I could very easily make a list of government programs, each with budgets in the billions, all promoted as somehow mitigating the damage being caused by the foreclosure crisis, and all whose outcomes would have been identical to those reported… had the programs been administered by farm animals.
And that would be funny, were it not so literal and entirely accurate.
This past week, Kristin Roberts and Stacy Kaper, writing for the National Journal, documented the appalling story of the incomprehensible failure of the Obama Administration to arrest the damage being caused by the foreclosure crisis that’s still tearing through American families and households with the destructive force of a category five storm.
Roberts and Kaper began their article recounting a recent meeting at the Treasury Department, at which they said, civil-rights and housing advocates were “presenting a brutal reality check to President Obama’s Treasury secretary. The administration’s housing programs, they said, were ill-conceived, had failed woefully, and would be indefensible in an election year.”
Apparently, a woman by the name of Janet Murguia, president of the nation’s largest Latino-rights organization, gave Mr. Geithner an ultimatum:
“Make dramatic changes to your housing program, or the National Council of La Raza will be unable to carry Obama’s message to Hispanic voters in 2012.”
(I don’t know what if anything Secretary Geithner said after that meeting ended, maybe he said nothing… out loud. But, I just have to believe that in his head the words sounded something like, “Si no le gusta Obama, estoy seguro de que vas a amar a Romney.” Assuming Tim speaks Spanish, of course. Roughly translated it means… “Yeah, well if you don’t like Obama, I’m sure you’re going to love Mitt Romney.”)
Make no mistake about it, whether as a society or as an economy, we are unlikely to fully “recover” in my lifetime. And truth be told, all I have left are tears, for never before in history has so much been so needlessly extinguished sans the millions of body bags that come home from a world at war.
It is incomprehensible that our plight is not even close to being over, but it should be sincerely humbling that, as I write these words, we don’t even have a plan on a drawing board that one could credibly claim has even the remotest chance of abating a crisis that can only continue to break the economic back of our middle class, ultimately destroying our citizenry’s faith in what has been referred to as “The American Dream” for more than 200 years.
For ours is not so much a financial crisis… nor a liquidity crisis… nor a credit crisis… nor a crisis caused by over-leverage and excessive debt. What we are experiencing is a crisis that is being perpetuated by the near complete loss of trust on the part of investors and consumers.
And… “Once you lose trust you just don’t get it back… you just don’t.”
Investors lost trust…
During the summer of 2007, investors around the world lost trust in the mortgage-backed securities and their complex derivatives. We haven’t had a meaningful private securitization of such debt since that time, and we aren’t going to see such private securitizations of mortgage debt anytime soon.
In fact, the only securitizations of mortgage debt we have today are government guaranteed via Fannie, Freddie, FHA, VA, et al. Absent the government guarantee, there would essentially be no mortgages available… period.
Over the handful of years between 2003 and 2007, investors bought into securities rated AAA… but soon found out they should never have been rated AAA. Almost overnight, demand for these securities dried up, and the banks that were holding Collateralized Debt Obligations (CDOs) on their books found that they couldn’t be sold… and if they couldn’t be sold, then what were they worth? And the answer was that no one knew.
These are the “toxic assets” that then Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson was planning to buy with the TARP funds… until he realized that banks wouldn’t sell them at a discount, and that it would be political suicide for him to buy them at face value.
The result of all this was that housing prices that had started dropping during the summer of 2006 after Alan Greenspan raised interest rates 17 times in a row, now went into a credit crisis inspired free fall. The further they fell the more people went underwater… and the more that went underwater… the more fell into foreclosure.
Without credit being available and with home equity evaporating, spending by consumers fell off a cliff… companies started laying off workers and unemployment had nowhere to go but up… which in turn increased the number of foreclosures, which in turn lowered housing prices… forcing more underwater, thus leading to more foreclosures still.
So… with the number of defaulting loans continuing to rise each year since 2006, investors have incurred losses that now total well into the trillions. Some of these losses were the result of some variation of securities fraud, to be sure. But as the crisis has been allowed to grow in size and scope, it’s become more and more difficult to tell which securities were fraudulently packaged and which were destroyed by the damage our government failed to mitigate at every single opportunity.
Not that I imagine investors care why, at this point. They got burned big time, and their burning isn’t nearly over yet. So, as far as selling them more mortgage-backed securities rated “investment grade” by Moody’s or S&P… I don’t think you need an MBA from Harvard to come to the conclusion that the prospects of that happening anytime soon are… shall we say… “BLEAK.”

Chris Whalen knows banking…
Just a few weeks ago, Institutional Risk Analytics (“IRA”) Vice Chairman, Christopher Whalen, speaking to the audience at American Enterprise Institute, described quite succinctly why talk of housing recovery is premature. Not to put too fine a point on it but the phrase used was “dead cat bounce.” As the IRA blog stated:
“… you won’t here that from any politicians from either of the institutional political parties in this election year. Politicians and their enablers in the economics professional all want to believe that the US housing sector is on its way back.”
Yes, well… I want to believe that maybe I’ll win the Masters one day as a senior citizen, but although I wouldn’t want to rule out the possibility, I likewise wouldn’t want to find out that policymakers in Washington D.C. are basing anything on such fanciful ideas.
As Mr. Whalen said at the conference…
“There is no private label market nor is it likely that the private label market for RMBS is going to recover anytime soon. Memo to Peter Wallison, Rep. Scott Garret (R-NJ) and our other friends in Washington working to eliminate Fannie and Freddie: Stop talking about a private sector alternative to the GSEs in the near term. There is no private sector alternative to the government housing agencies.”
“The lack of credit availability is the chief reason that housing will not recover in the near term.”
Whalen also points out that beyond the issue of investors losing trust, until the Fed raises interest rates the private label market for non-conforming loans and RMBS won’t be back no matter what. It’s not hard to understand… with rates at zero there is simply no incentive for private investors to take on the risk of non-conforming residential mortgages. Or, in other words, if the spread isn’t there, you might as well just buy Treasuries.
Things are getting tighter…
According to Jonathan Corr, Chief Operating Officer of Ellie Mae, a company that tracks the characteristics of loans, credit standards are tightening.
Corr told Nick Timiraos of the Wall Street Journal that conforming loans, which are those made by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, that were approved for purchases in February of this year had an average credit score of 764 and an average down payment of 22%. Applications that were DENIED had an average credit score of 732 and an average down payment of 19%.
And as far as refinancing goes, Ellie Mae’s report shows Fannie and Freddie February borrowers had an average credit score of 770.
With the FHA looking like the next mega-billion dollar bailout, even FHA loans are getting harder to qualify for… in February, the average credit score for someone trying to refinance through an FHA loan stood at 722, which is up from 706 last August. Purchase loans approved by the FHA had an average credit score of 701 with an average down payment of 5%.
In addition to all of this, according to Laurie Goodman at Amherst Securities, the total population of homebuyers in the US has declined by roughly 20% since 2005. She points out that Americans are not deleveraging in terms of reducing debt. More accurately, “the remaining 80% of homeowners/buyers continue to labor under excessive levels of debt. If these families are ever able to sell their homes, it is a pretty good bet that they will either downsize to smaller dwellings or rent.”
Chris Whalen said it more bluntly to the audience at AEI few weeks ago…
“… forget the economist twaddle about consumer deleveraging. We have merely charged-off the worst defaults in the population, leaving the survivors to service mortgages that are at or below water in terms of LTVs.”
None of this should be difficult to understand…
Historically, at least two-thirds of homebuyers are also home-sellers, that is to say they are selling a home in order to buy another.
But, if half of today’s homeowners are underwater or effectively underwater, meaning they owe more than their homes are worth, or they would if sales commissions and other moving expenses were factored in… then they can’t sell… so they can’t buy. Many won’t be able to sell for a long, long time, and with housing prices continuing to fall (more on that in a moment), more and more are being cemented into this group all the time.
As Goodman explained in a recent presentation, at best all we’re doing is charging off the debt of defaulted borrowers, thus leaving behind a smaller pool of homeowners who have too much debt to function in the housing market.
Just do the math… if historically two-thirds of homebuyers were also home-sellers, but half of those home-sellers now can’t sell… then the future demand for homes is going to be significantly lower than it has in the past.
Yes, there are first-time buyers, although not nearly as many as in the past. Many aren’t rushing to buy after seeing their parent’s equity evaporate over the last few years, and student loan debt is causing a delay in family formation and hence reducing first time home purchases. And yes, there are investors, but it should be easy to see that the number of investors is nowhere near large enough to make up for half of the two-thirds of buyers we’re used to seeing in our housing markets.
All told, demand for homes in the future will be significantly lower than in the past… period. And if demand is going down, prices cannot be going up… simple as that.

The Elephant in the Room…
And, all of that ignores the elephant in the room that is the increasing numbers of foreclosures and their associated backlog, referred to as the “shadow inventory,” neither of which are capable coexisting with a recovery in housing prices.
You see, in 2011 the number of foreclosures slowed down, in some states quite significantly, but not because of borrowers becoming more able to pay their mortgages. Foreclosures fell because of banks holding back as they awaited final determinations on things like the Attorneys General national mortgage settlement, and some states, specific court decisions.
I haven’t seen any conclusive numbers yet, but I’d bet money that 2011 will look flat when compared with 2010 instead of increasing as it otherwise should have, and this will make for some deceptive statistics showing the crisis being somehow nearer its end… when it’s not. In fact, all reports already indicate that the number of foreclosures is increasing as we speak.
Here’s how Reuters reported such news on April 4, 2012…
Many more U.S. homeowners face the prospect of losing their homes this year as banks pick up the pace of foreclosures.
“We are right back where we were two years ago. I would put money on 2012 being a bigger year for foreclosures than 2010,” said Mark Seifert, executive director of Empowering & Strengthening Ohio’s People (ESOP), a counseling group with 10 offices in Ohio.
“Last year was an anomaly, and not in a good way,” he said.
In 2011, the “robo-signing” scandal, in which foreclosure documents were signed without properly reviewing individual cases, prompted banks to hold back on new foreclosures pending a settlement.
Signs are growing the pace of foreclosures is picking up again, something housing experts predict will again weigh on home prices before any sustained recovery can occur.
Mortgage servicing provider Lender Processing Services reported in early March that U.S. foreclosure starts jumped 28 percent in January (of this year).
More conclusive national data is not yet available.
However, RealtyTrac has published estimates showing that the number of foreclosures in February of this year as compared with January’s numbers increased in 21 states and, “…jumped sharply in cities like Tampa (64 percent), Chicago (43 percent) and Miami (53 percent).”
According to RealtyTrac’s CEO, Brandon Moore, the “numbers point to a gradually rising foreclosure tide as some of the barriers that have been holding back foreclosures are removed.”
Other evidence of foreclosures not happening in 2011, but set to happen this year are seen in a January 2012 report by the Neighborhood Economic Development Advocacy Project (“NEDAP”) in New York. According to Reuters, that group’s study found that…
“… in the first half of 2011 the number of 90-day pre-foreclosure notices in New York City outnumbered court foreclosure actions by a ratio of 14 to one, indicating that while proceedings were initiated against many homeowners, they were left incomplete.”
“Now the banks have a settlement, foreclosure numbers for 2012 are going to be high,” said NEDAP co-director Josh Zinner.
Reuters went on to report that…
“One big difference to the early years of the housing crisis, which was dominated by Americans saddled with the most toxic subprime products — with high interest rates where banks asked for no money down or no proof of income — is that today it’s mostly Americans with ordinary mortgages whose ability to meet payments have been hit by the hard economic times.”
This statement, however, is really just twaddle, to borrow Chris Whalen’s word.
Other than some fringe number of truly unfortunate borrowers who bought at the worst time under the worst terms… or those that were speculating on the edge who lost homes as soon as the home loan market froze… foreclosures have always been caused by negative equity colliding with a “life event.” If you’re underwater and something bad happens… with divorce, illness/injury, or job loss being the BIG 3… you’re a foreclosure waiting to happen.
It can and does literally happen to anyone and everyone. I speak with homeowners at risk of foreclosure every day and have been doing so for over three years. I’ve seen people whose incomes were $50,000 a month for twenty years lose homes to foreclosure… and people whose incomes temporarily dropped from $3,000 a month to $2200, do the same.
Of course, it’s true that the foreclosure crisis has hit minorities harder than middle class whites, but that’s just a function of two things: predatory lending practices that preyed on lower income minorities… and people with further to fall taking longer to do so. (That’s why when people ask me if I’m losing my home I always answer by saying, “not today.”)
Life events are called “life events” for a reason… they happen as a result of life happening. And they happen to everyone… eventually.
A friend of mine who is a banker explained to me that lending is really just a game of hoping a loan is refinanced before a life event hits. If I loan you money for one year, I can charge you a very low interest rate because it’s unlikely that you’ll get hit by lightning… or divorced, laid off, injured or seriously ill… within a year. But, if I loan you money for 30 years… well, now all kinds of crap can happen that can impair your ability to repay the loan as agreed. Pretty simple stuff, right?
When Countrywide originated a mortgage, it may have said 30 years on it, but no one at Countrywide thought that the loan would be around for 30 years… in fact, they figured it would be around for maybe seven years… tops. By then it would either be refinanced or paid off when the house was sold.
But… what’s happening today? Millions of people cannot refinance or sell their homes… so, that means millions of loans are going to be around a lot longer than anyone expected. And the longer a loan is around, the greater the likelihood that a life event will show up and slap you off your track at least for some period of time. And when that happens while you’re underwater you can’t sell… so, BINGO! You’re a statistic in the foreclosure crisis… an “irresponsible borrower,” a deadbeat debtor… shhhh… whatever you do don’t tell anyone.

Tell your own mother and she may very well launch into a diatribe about how you have always spent too much on “those kids.” Tell Dad and he’s likely to lecture you about how you shouldn’t have bought the car you’re driving. Your next-door neighbor finds out and he or she will be looking in your garage for a jet ski or your living room for a flat screen television.
I’ve explained this before… in behavioral economics it’s called the “just world hypothesis.” We need to believe that when something bad happens to someone, it’s somehow that person’s behavior that caused the bad thing to happen. That’s how we make ourselves feel safe… by believing that we live in a just world. Random bad things that could happen to anyone are terrifying… like shark attacks, lightning striking… 9-11.
Our foreclosure crisis is a tragic and awful thing that has literally caused thousands to take their own lives out of shame and despair. And it’s a quiet crisis because no one tells anyone when they’re at risk of foreclosure, or when they lose their home… or when they save it through some sort of loan modification. You can’t see or feel the foreclosure crisis until it touches your life, and then you say… “I can’t believe this is happening to me… or to (insert someone you know).
Until then, you look the other way… assume that the person losing a home was irresponsible… shouldn’t have bought a home in the first place… is nothing like you.
Consumers lost trust…
The National Journal’s reporters, Roberts and Kaper, whose story titled, “Out of their depth,” I referenced near the beginning of this article, tells of an Obama Administration that, in their words, failed to help homeowners because it just “didn’t have the stomach for it.”
Their article starts out talking about the administration’s more recent posture as being determined to do something right about the foreclosure crisis… as follows…
“The turnabout followed three years of tepid, halfhearted, and conflicted policies driven by a desire among Obama’s most senior advisers to avoid political risks and insulate the financial sector from further losses. It was a disastrous approach that did little for a market in free fall or for the millions of Americans still underwater and facing foreclosure.
National Journal spoke with more than two-dozen sources involved in creating and implementing the Obama administration’s many housing initiatives, from Election Day 2008 to the present. The result is a story of missed opportunities, competing priorities, out-of-whack expectations, and a few subtle, yet noteworthy, successes—all impelled at least as often by political, rather than economic, calculations.
The approach remains haunted by a primal decision made almost immediately after Obama’s economic team took office. Although the federal government would spend reams of cash to stanch, to some degree, the losses suffered by the financial sector, the auto industry, and state and local governments, suffering homeowners would see no such relief, at least not on a widespread basis. Their bailout never arrived. It appears that the administration simply didn’t have the stomach for it.”
Now, first of all… no, never mind… keep going…
“Housing clearly was an area where Obama’s team thought it needed to take quick action simply to stop the bleeding. “Housing was 30 months in the hole when Obama was elected,” said Peter Swire, a member of the transition team who, after the inauguration, became one of the economic officials leading the effort. “The first goal was to stabilize.”
To its credit, Obama’s policy group recognized just how unprecedented the crisis was, and that realization helped to elevate the discussion about solutions to the highest levels, placing decision-making authority in the hands of Lawrence Summers, who would be director of the National Economic Council, and Geithner. Others, such as Housing and Urban Development Secretary Shaun Donovan and bank regulators, were called to the table inconsistently. Treasury was the department running the nation’s housing policy.
But the task was enormous—and enormously complicated. The economic team was committed to some form of government intervention, but it could find little consensus on the scope and scale necessary for that effort to succeed. Compounding the problem, the deterioration of housing markets throughout the country, and of the U.S. economy overall, accelerated between the election and Inauguration Day.”
Okay, so look… HORSEPUCKY!
The “task” as Roberts and Kaper phrase it, was not so terribly complicated that it was beyond these genius IQs’ abilities to do something right… something at least marginally effective in the eyes of America’s homeowners. They didn’t because they didn’t care to… and every single American homeowner who has paid the least bit of attention should recognize that as being the truth. My Lord… what do they need to do, come to your door and spit in your face? They didn’t because they didn’t care… and my problem isn’t even that… I could forgive them for that, somehow… not easily, but somehow.
My problem is that they still don’t care… and yes, I’m talking today… right now… headed into the election and clearly they still have learned essentially nothing about a crisis that’s plain as day, completely out of control.

And that’s just unacceptable in so many ways that I can’t talk about it without wanting to smack someone across the face… Larry Summers would do just fine… Geithner… sure, why the hell not? Obama… no. Him I want to grab by the shoulders and shake.
Amherst Securities forecasts another 9.5 MILLION homeowners at risk of foreclosure… almost ten million more coming soon to a theater near you. That’s in the neighborhood of being twice as many as we’ve had to-date… not quite, but in the neighborhood.
And why on Earth anyone with any critical thinking skills would possibly think that after another 9.5 million foreclosures they’d be over… well, it’s sheer lunacy, that’s what it is. Another 9.5 million foreclosures and the only homeowners with equity will be those who own their homes free and clear. And the closest I’d let my wife or daughter get to a bank would be the ATM at a 7-11.
Here’s what the article by Roberts and Kaper says about the two principles that drove the administration’s housing policy…
From the start, two principles would drive the housing-policy team’s debate about the form that government intervention would take. First, Geithner and Summers sought to preserve the sanctity of contracts, and that commitment determined the structure of the president’s core housing programs. The government would not force banks to modify loans, and any changes made to mortgage terms would have to work for investors as well as homeowners. Those requirements led to hours of discussion and proposal drafting around the idea of “net present value,” or NPV—a formula used to determine whether modifying or foreclosing on a mortgage would result in higher profitability for investors.
(First was “the sanctity of contracts?” How about the sanctity of accounting principles, you pompous pair of pathetic Pecksniffians.)
Now I’m not saying that there was anything wrong with the idea of a Net Present Value test, in principle… it’s in the execution that fell apart. That’s what caused Americans to lose trust in government. Summers and Geithner were simply the wrong people to execute this sort of program, and Obama should have known that by… oh, I don’t know… how about by 2010 or 2011?
And here’s their second guiding principle…
Moral hazard was the other debate driver. Having witnessed Main Street’s reaction to the Wall Street bailout under the Troubled Asset Relief Program, Obama’s team went to great lengths, time and again, to promise Americans that taxpayer money would not be used to help people who had simply purchased too much house. This was assistance built for “responsible” and “deserving” homeowners, the story went. So your neighbor got in over his head? Or a friend bought a house to flip and then couldn’t sell it? Their fault, the White House was saying. “That narrative is one we had to be careful with,” a senior administration official said.
Taken together, contract sanctity and moral hazard set the parameters for the president’s housing policy. And within four weeks of Obama’s swearing-in, his team proclaimed itself ready to unveil the sharply tailored strategy.
Okay, so there you have it. The two individuals in charge were more concerned with the possibility of helping a homeowner who “got in over their head,” which by the way they didn’t give a rat’s petute about when discussing laws to prevent predatory lending or any other restriction on mortgage lending that might stop someone from getting in over their head, but never mind that nauseating hypocrisy.
The article says something else worthy of note…
“… housing had so quickly turned from tremendous boom to disastrous bust that the mortgage industry was unable to cope. Lenders and loan servicers had never operated in that kind of environment and had no mechanism to respond to the dramatic surge in delinquencies and foreclosures. One senior administration official called the servicing system “dysfunctional” in 2008 and 2009, and an industry representative agreed. “The system was not designed to deal with massive foreclosures,” he said. “It simply was not clear what was the response to take.”
Okay, so that being the case, and I have no trouble believing that absolutely was the case… let’s not worry about what you do… instead, let’s look at what you don’t do:
You don’t announce your “sharply tailored strategy” within four weeks of being sworn in.
“A handful of core officials—at least one each from the White House, Treasury, and HUD—bought coffee and doughnuts and then wheeled chairs into an empty conference room. They listened to the loan servicers’ concerns and questions, discussed the complexity of their operations, and hammered home what servicers needed to do.
One of the main questions centered on up-front documentation: Did Treasury want the process to happen so rapidly that servicers should put mortgagees into trial loan modifications based on verbal statements alone? Yes, the officials said. Don’t worry about the documents. Just put loans into the “trial mods” and then get the documents in order before the time comes to make the changes to the loan permanent, they said. “Just do it,” was the message.”
And you absolutely don’t instruct mortgage servicers that they should just put everyone into trial modifications with no systems, no training, no infrastructure and no real solid idea of what will happen next.
You don’t do any of that. These are people’s homes you’re talking about. And sure, there were some small percentage of folks that went out and bought their homes without a contingency plan for the Great Depression Part 2 coming around the corner… and yes there were some that should not have borrowed as much as they did for any number of reasons. The proliferation of television ads and even television programs instructing people to do just that, come to mind.

Marlboro wants to run a beautiful 30-second commercial showing me a handsome man riding a horse in the snow while smoking a cigarette and the federal government loses its mind taking them off the air. But a 60-minute infomercial that provides detailed instructions and fake testimonials on how to get rich safely by borrowing 125 percent of your home’s value in order to buy condos in the middle of the desert… no problem at all, right?
And better yet, why not do so using a spring-loaded, snapping turtle-styled mortgage that requires neither down payment nor job and increases in balance owed and monthly payment whenever Greenspan feels itchy… but hey… who are we to stand in the way of the American Dream, is that about right?
And, finally this…
“They (servicers) insisted to us they could not do this program, they were not ready to do this program, and we told them they had to,” said Treasury’s Tim Massad, then chief counsel in the department’s financial stability office.
And therein lies the rub… I’m going to say something many are not going to like… I’m tired of blaming the banks alone for this mess because in large part it’s simply not their fault… this failure belongs to the Obama Administration… from start to flummoxed… plain and simple and in no uncertain terms.
And what a spectacular failure it continues to be… absolutely stunning in its completeness… in its flagrant ineptitude… in its degree of insensitivity… in its ongoing utter folly. It’s down right peerless, that’s what it is… it stands without equal.
The core problem: Estimates for both programs were based on faulty, incomplete data. “There was always a huge degree of uncertainty around those forecasts, which reflected the limitations of the data available at that time,” said John Worth, who helped design the two initiatives as director of Treasury’s Office of Microeconomic Analysis. “We were sort of building the airplane as it was trucking down the runway, because there was a real sense of urgency to deliver help to homeowners.”
Yeah, it reminds me of the real sense of urgency that must have surrounded the readying of the Space Shuttle Challenger back in 1986. I’m sure those NASA managers were in a hurry to help school teachers get into space, so they disregarded warnings about the O-rings, launching in low temperatures, and whatever else, so that the damn thing exploded 73 seconds into its flight as tens of millions of young children watched on national television.
So… bang up job there, Mr. Geithner, Mr. Summers… and President Obama… absolutely crackerjack work all around.

Is it the banks that are to blame?
Admittedly, I’ve done more than my share of bank bashing over the last few years, and I haven’t been alone by any means. But, I’ve gotten to know more about the crisis from some of the banks’ perspectives, and I think we should consider what’s really gone on here.
Don’t start throwing tomatoes at me in your mind… just yet. I’m serious about this… so, hear me out.
Tens of millions of Americans saw themselves lied to and abandoned by their obviously unfeeling government, who then walked them right into the totally unprepared arms of financial institutions bound by no rules, responsible only to shareholders, as they were reeling from a crisis that had bankrupted all of the investment banks on Wall Street in one fell swoop.
Oh, don’t get me wrong… I’m not ready to give the entire banking industry a pass by any means. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac… are certainly among the worst offenders of all. And Wells Fargo is inexplicably immoral and entirely malevolent at every single opportunity.
But, Bank of America was doing principal reductions before the ink was even close to dry on the AG settlement… I personally have seen several dozen of them.
BOA is the first to admit that it’s a long way from perfect, but I’ve seen them resolve things quickly and fairly every single time they’ve been at fault. And they have modified more than 200,000 mortgages over the last couple of years. Not enough, you say? Perhaps, but they appear to me to be an organization trying hard to make things better and get things right as they continue to deal with the now infamous acquisitions of Countrywide and Merrill Lynch.
And Ocwen has been doing principal reductions as part of their shared equity program for almost a year, as far as I know… maybe even before that. They were founded on the principal that loans should be modified before foreclosed if at all possible. I’ve even seen the executives at One West Bank jump through hoops to stop sales and get loans modified that had fallen through the cracks. Oh, and Impac Mortgage… well, they’ve always been leading the pack on the loan modification front.
I don’t think there’s any question about it… getting your loan modified is much easier than it was two years ago, or even last year… unless you’re with Wells Fargo, of course.
Conversely, what have I seen from the Obama Administration? Nothing but intermittent lip service and an ongoing stream of ill conceived, half-hearted programs, each entirely predictable as to its ultimate failure.
On January 15, 2009, Larry Summers made a written commitment to spend $50 to $100 billion on, “a sweeping effort to address the foreclosure crisis.”
And yet… as of the end of 2011, the administration had spent less than $3 billion on a situation their chief economic advisor acknowledged to be a “CRISIS” almost three years earlier… without so much as an apology to those whose lives their inaction had ruined.
Dodd-Frank made $1 billion available for an emergency program that was purported to help those unemployed people in their homes. But, the money had to be out the door by a specific date and HUD delayed issuing application requirements, which left potential beneficiaries with only weeks to assess qualifications, apply, and submit the necessary paperwork.
And that was a $1 billion “emergency program” to help the unemployed save their homes. If HUD handled medical emergencies, everyone would die.
The Fraud in the Foreclosure Process…
It’s hard to imagine, but even with a presidential election coming up, an election in which the winner must carry such foreclosure-riddled swing states as Ohio and Florida, there’s just more and more and more and even more… and none of it good as far as the Obama Administration is concerned… and yet the administration appears wholly unconcerned.
The Attorney General settlement with the five largest servicers is another example of a cowboy that’s all hat and no cattle. To listen to the Obama Administration, it’s an important settlement, meaningful to the homeowners in America, many of whom… according to the administration, were foreclosed on either illegally, fraudulently, or improperly… it’s kind of hard to tell which.
Regardless, if the homeowner lost a home to foreclosure between 2009 and 2011, they are said to be receiving between $1,500 and $2,000 as compensation for some unspecified degree of improper or fraudulent foreclosure having taken place.
The absurdity of this component of the overall settlement was not lost on anyone, even for a moment, and in Obama’s typical fashion, he held a single press conference, said some great sounding things about justice for homeowners and making banks pay, and we haven’t heard from him on the subject since.
Meanwhile, if you really did lose a home to a wrongful foreclosure, you now know no one cares, as two grand is hardly compensation for losing a home that shouldn’t have been lost. And if you didn’t lose your home improperly, then you just got two grand for absolutely nothing. As settlements go, this one managed to do something not often seen… it managed to please no one, and since it hasn’t even begun to disperse checks, no one is even sure how the whole thing will or won’t work.
The only thing that’s certain about the settlement is the level of skepticism present among homeowners, and that’s either being expressed through jeers or barbs.

Mickey Mouse signed it, and Donald Duck notarized it… but who cares?
The problem with the whole “fraudulent or improper foreclosure” aspect of the crisis is that it’s not helping homeowners, in fact in many instances its caused more harm then good.
For one thing, it’s driving false hope. For another, it’s driving bad decisions.
Even when used successfully as a defense in a foreclosure proceeding, the improper signing of affidavits or assignments has proven itself, at least in the vast majority of instances, to at best result in a delay. The servicer attempting to foreclose may be forced to re-file with proper documents, but they almost always do… and the foreclosure proceeds in almost every single case.
More importantly, however, the use of improperly signed documents as a defense in a foreclosure is more often than not, simply ineffective from the homeowner’s perspective. No delay is granted and the foreclosure proceeds as if the documentation was flawless. Judges simply care more about a borrower not having made a payment in two years than who signed the assignment of the deed of trust.
Foreclosure defense lawyers all tell me that they raise issues pertaining to document signing as they might visit any port in a storm… hoping to gain some leverage that leads to their client’s loan getting modified. None seem to believe that borrowers are truly damaged by such improper signing, and most judges evidently agree.
The moral of the story about foreclosure defense is that, in almost all cases, if you haven’t made your mortgage payment for a couple of years, the safest path to saving your home is through a loan modification. And don’t shoot the messenger, but if you’re trying to save your home… you should also be saving money.
You may need the money to save your home, and even if it turns out that you don’t, once your situation gets resolved, you’ll definitely need a vacation so having extra money saved is a no lose proposition.
The other problem with our current fascination with who signed what is that it’s driving homeowners to buy forensic loan audits, securitization audits and countless other reports of questionable value to those trying to save homes from foreclosure. They find out that something was done improperly and think that it means that they can use it to save their home from foreclosure. In almost every single instance, they find out they were wrong… and by then, it’s too late to get their loan modified.
My point is that these are the facts… the unpopular and perhaps unfair facts that are the result of the Obama Administration’s handling of the foreclosure crisis. You can continue to blame the banks and mortgage servicers if you want to, but their role has never been to ensure societal fairness… they are, after all, bill collectors and as such they are responsible to their shareholders and investors… not to you or me as delinquent borrowers.
When you want companies to all do something that’s not in their financial best interests, that’s when government has to step in. For example, if you want cars to have safety belts or catalytic converters, you don’t just leave it to GM, Chrysler and Ford to figure it out… you pass legislation that mandates the adoption of such things because its been decided that they are for the good of our society.
That’s precisely what the Obama Administration has failed to do during this crisis… mandate what is best for our society, and instead its just been left to the for profit corporations to figure it out for themselves. And we’re surprised that didn’t work? Really? Why? Who thought it would, besides Larry Summers and Tim Geithner? Because for sure I could have told them it wouldn’t… saved everyone a lot of aggravation, to say nothing of several trillion dollars.
We tried the same thing during the Great Depression of the 1930s… a voluntary loan modification program, I mean. It’s true. Didn’t work then either, and the St. Louis Federal Reserve has a paper all about it. Do you think Geithner and Summers missed reading it?

In Conclusion…
It’s year six of the most severe balance sheet recession that this country has experienced in 70 years and once again we’re right in the middle of our annual faux recovery.
The global credit crisis that ended our housing bubble in 2007 left us with housing prices in a free fall and a growing foreclosure crisis about which essentially nothing has been done, or at least nothing has been done right. The result of the collapse in credit card availability and home equity have left American consumers with only two options: default or attempt to repay massive debt burdens.
We’ve seen something like $10 trillion in accumulated wealth evaporate, mostly in the form of lost home equity, and so it should come as no surprise, except to economists unable to see things beyond their charts and models, that consumer spending as measured by consumption has gone down enormously since 2006.
Simply put… we are earning less today because we are consuming less today.
And yet, we continue to ignore or mishandle the foreclosure crisis that is clearly THE ISSUE that prevents any sort of economic recovery from talking hold.
That’s not the fault of banks and mortgage servicers… and it’s not the fault of courts failing to prevent foreclosures based on improperly signed documents used in the foreclosure process. Clearly, this monumental failure belongs to our elected officials in federal and state governments… and to the policy decisions made by the Obama Administration.
Again, I’m not saying you should vote for Mitt Romney… or that you should vote for Barack Obama, for that matter. What I am saying is that we should not be tolerating any more of what we’ve been fed since the crisis began, because for six years we’ve been told things about our housing markets and the impact of foreclosures that have been proven repeatedly to be wrong and by a long-shot.
As 2008 began, the Congressional Budget Office (“CBO”) forecasted that the budget deficit in 2009 would be just 1.4 per cent of GDP. As it turned out, 2009’s budget deficit skyrocketed to 10 percent of GDP. (And to the CBO I would just like to say… “Thank you for playing.”)
The cause of the dramatically increasing deficit in 2009 is found in the fallout from the housing bubble… not irrationally exuberant spending programs and not excessive tax cuts. The CBO’s 2008 forecasts were obviously made before our government understood the impact that the housing bubble’s collapse would have on the economy. The question is, do they understand it even now?
According to a disturbing recent study, while during the Clinton Administration the top one percent got 45 percent of our economic growth and during the Bush Administration that affluent group got 65 percent of our growth… in 2010, the top one percent picked up an unconscionable 93 percent of the gains in that year… and 37 percent of the gains went to the 15,600 uber-rich households that make up the top one-tenth of one percent.
So, very well done there.
Perhaps even more alarming, there were no gains at all for those in the bottom 90 percent, and in fact, this sizable group has seen their average annual adjusted gross incomes fall by $4,843 since 2000 to $29, 840 (adjusted for inflation, by the way).
Don’t be confused by any of this, once again, the culprit is housing. If you’re in the top 10 percent club, you’re doing well in large part because of your investments in the stock market, which saw an increase in value of $1.46 trillion in the fourth quarter of 2011 alone.
But, if you’re in the bottom 90 percent, chances are you don’t own a whole heck of a lot of stocks… for you it’s your home’s value that makes up the lion’s share of your wealth, and home prices once again fell in 2011. The median home was worth 6.2 percent less in February of this year as compared with the prior year. And yes… if you haven’t figured it out yet, home prices are still falling with no end yet in sight.
According to a recent article on Bloomberg/Businessweek, “Home prices seen dropping 10% in U.S. on Foreclosures”…
“A lot of people look at bumps in the monthly data and say we’re reaching a bottom,” said Joshua Shapiro, chief U.S. economist at MFR Inc. in New York. “We won’t be there until this supply of foreclosures clears.”
It’s also worth noting that the sinking housing market has hit minority households much harder than whites. According to the Pew Research Center, Hispanic households have lost 66 percent of their net worth during the recession while whites have endured only a 16 percent loss.
Fed Chief Ben Bernanke says our economy needs to grow faster in order to reduce unemployment, and thank you Professor Bernanke for that brilliant insight. But, as former labor secretary Robert Reich pointed out recently…
“We can’t possibly grow faster if the vast majority of Americans, who are still losing ground, don’t have the money to buy more of the things American workers produce. There’s no way spending by the richest 10 percent – the only ones gaining ground – will be enough to get the economy out of first gear.”
All of this should paint a clear picture… even under the most optimistic set of assumptions we’re not looking at any sort of real recovery… the kind you can feel as well as read about… being a possibility this year… and not next year either… or even during the year after that. Our accumulated wealth has been stripped, and Bernanke can lower interest rates until he literally can’t and we’re still going to save for quite a while before we spend again.
Economists point out that savings rates are only hovering around 5 percent, but you have to consider that represents savings at roughly zero interest.
Of course, at some point rates will have to rise, and while some point out the benefits that come along with higher rates, I’m pretty confident that the Fed Chief is in touch with the concept of what will happen to the millions of underwater adjustable rate mortgages when rising rates make for higher monthly mortgage payments that cannot be refinanced. Get ready, ‘cause when rates do rise, there’ll be a whole new group of the “irresponsible,” arriving on the scene.

Where the crisis will meet the people… all the people.
On “AUSTERITY STREET.”
Allow me to offer you a glimpse into the future… the near future… as in a year or two from now when the foreclosure crisis will collide with the realities of state budget deficits, which are the kind of budget deficits that can’t be addressed by printing money.
Remember President Obama’s very first bill… the economic stimulus bill that finally passed with a $700 billion price tag, but ended up stimulating almost nothing, economically speaking? Well, it may not have accomplished what the administration wanted it to, but it did accomplish something. It provided roughly $500 billion for the states, which is why we haven’t had any state budget crises making headlines over the last couple of years.
Well, guess what? The money’s gone… there was something like $6 billion left going into this year. But, the states fiscal problems are still very much around.
According to the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities…
The Great Recession that started in 2007 caused the largest collapse in state revenues on record. As of the third quarter of 2011, state revenues remained 7 percent below pre-recession levels, and are not growing fast enough to recover fully soon.
State budget estimates for the upcoming fiscal year show that states still face a long and uncertain recovery. For fiscal year 2013, thirty states have projected shortfalls totaling $49 billion.
Meanwhile, states’ education and health care obligations continue to grow. Some 5.6 million more people are projected to be eligible for health insurance through Medicaid in 2012 than were enrolled in 2008, as employers have cancelled their coverage and people have lost jobs and wages.
Extremely large shortfalls addressed in recent years have led to deep cuts in critical public services like education, health care, and human services; the new shortfalls likely will prompt legislators to make further cuts in those areas on top of those already enacted.
So state budgets are poised to continue to be a drag on the national economy, threatening hundreds of thousands of private- and public-sector jobs, reducing the job creation that otherwise would be expected to occur.
These shortfalls are all the more daunting because states’ options for addressing them are fewer and more difficult than in recent years. Temporary aid to states enacted in early 2009 as part of the federal Recovery Act allowed states to avert some of the most harmful potential budget cuts in the 2009, 2010 and 2011 fiscal years. But that aid expired at the end of fiscal year 2011, leading to some of the deepest cuts to state services since the start of the recession. The federal government is now moving ahead with spending cuts that will very likely make states’ fiscal situation even worse.
Unfortunately, the hole is so deep that even if revenues continue to grow at last year’s rate — which is highly unlikely, it would take seven years to get them back on a normal track.
Continued slow job growth will restrain the rise in state tax receipts. This is especially true for the sales tax. High unemployment and economic uncertainty, combined with households’ diminished wealth due to fallen property values, will continue to depress consumption, keeping sales tax receipts at low levels.
Spending cuts are problematic during an economic downturn because they reduce overall demand and can make the downturn deeper. When states cut spending, they lay off employees, cancel contracts with vendors, eliminate or lower payments to businesses and nonprofit organizations that provide direct services, and cut benefit payments to individuals. This directly removes demand from the economy.
Tax increases also remove demand from the economy by reducing the amount of money people have to spend. At the state level, a balanced approach to closing deficits — raising taxes along with enacting budget cuts — is needed in order to maintain important services while minimizing harmful effects on the economy. Ultimately, however, the actions needed to address state budget shortfalls place a considerable number of jobs at risk.
Want to know what all of that refers to in a nutshell: AUSTERITY.
As the states cut services and programs, people feel them from the bottom up, and the deeper the cuts get, the bigger their impact on our society. For example in California and Florida over the last two years, state college tuitions have risen by roughly a third… that’s a 33% increase in the cost of going to college, and it means that many students won’t be attending as planned.
This is life-altering stuff, and the impact to states can last for decades.
The foreclosure crisis is only making the picture bleaker each year, as spending drops, so do sales tax receipts, and as property values fall, so do property tax receipts.
So, we cut services available to those near the bottom of the economic ladder, and raise taxes on those at the top. Together, although budget deficits are closed, the impact causes more harm to the economy, thus making recovery that much further away.
The situation is dire for many, if not most states. It isn’t a hypothetical scenario, or a potential one… it’s our very certain reality in the years just ahead. This is where everyone starts to feel the pain, and in the most extreme situations… it’s Greece.
One last thing…
The National Journal story I’ve quoted throughout this article, wrapped up with the following statement from former FDIC Chief Sheila Bair… (Warning: You may want to bite down on a pencil before reading what Sheila has to say. The first time I read it, I bit my tongue and couldn’t eat salsa for almost a week.)
“I think the president really wanted to do something aggressive and meaningful here, and I just think Larry and Tim were not as committed to it,” the FDIC’s Bair said. “It was not a priority for them. They were focused on the big financial institutions. I think they just wanted to get a program and a press release out to make the president happy.”
If that doesn’t say it to you… I’m not sure what else would.
We need to let our elected officials know that we will no longer tolerate pointless inaction caused by inane debates over such things as “moral hazard,” and the selective preservation of the sanctity of contracts.
If the federal government can handle the unbelievable amounts of moral hazard they’ve created with TBTF, they can certainly handle someone getting help under less than ideal circumstances SIX YEARS into the bungling of the crisis.
And as far as the sanctity of contracts goes, if they can deal with pretending the maturity dates on commercial mortgages haven’t arrived when they have, surely they can recover from making some new rules under such extreme circumstances. After all, they figured out how to have Japanese-Americans hauled off to internment camps in Utah during WWII.
We need to let them know that we hold them responsible for what’s transpired, because we do listen to what the President of the United States says to the American people… in fact, we were under the impression that once elected it’s to be considered more than a campaign speech.
Decisions made by Larry Summers have been disastrous for this nation… that much is abundantly clear. Tim Geithner’s been no peach either. Together their folly has cost our country incalculable amounts of money, but further, they have caused people to take their own lives. Geithner must resign. Summers should be banned from the economics profession for life. Both should be sentenced to three years selling shoes at JCPenny. Repeat after me: “Would you like to see that in a pump or a loafer.”

I don’t want to get funny about this… I mean every word of what I’ve said here. While we are begging for crumbs off of Linda Green’s table, stomping our feet because Wells Fargo won’t change, it is our government that has created this mess… our government who said they’d done something to solve it… and our government who has obviously failed.
So, fix it… damn it. We won’t tolerate anything less. We want accountability, and if we are not listened to, we will have your seat in public office.
And maybe we can’t get all of them… but we can get some of them. And I’m thinking maybe that’s enough.
Mandelman out.
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